Written by me, and submitted for your consideration.
How To Be A Happy Hooker
by Rumple Foreskin
For the benefit of any unsuspecting reader, let me state now that this is NOT an article about how one can become a smiling strumpet or grinning gigolo. Nope, sorry about that. This assault on good taste and English letters is concerned with the fine art of creating attention grabbing hooks in the opening lines of your next Pushcart Prize winning short story or Nobel Prize contending novel.
For starters, here’s the biggest single rule those eager to create successful hooks should always keep in mind. There is NO single rule that can guarantee success. There are, however, some guidelines that might be of some help, maybe. Here are five.
1. The mission of your first sentence and opening paragraph is to intrigue, not inform, your reader. Don’t fall into the trap of using that priceless piece of writing space to describe people, places or things that can be mentioned later. Consider the following opening line by Nobel Prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.” One Hundred Years of Solitude
The reader doesn’t know who the Colonel is, or any of the other W’s (what, where, when, why). But ask yourself, would including any of that information have made the sentence stronger and the “hook” more compelling?
2. Instead of falling back on description, try to open with action. That doesn’t mean you need to begin with a car chase, shoot-out or at the mid-point of a sex scene. There’s nothing wrong with those, of course, especially here at Lush. It’s just that action doesn’t have to mean frantic activity. Here are a couple examples:
“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” 1984, George Orwell
“They shoot the white girl first.” Paradise, Toni Morrison
3. High on the list of things to avoid describing, is the weather. Granted, the opening to 1984 includes a brief mention of the climate. But even if you pull off an Orwellian caliber job, editors, agents, reviewers and other such literary flotsam and jetsam seem predisposed to not liking the practice. No doubt this goes back to the infamous opening line from the novel Paul Clifford by, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton:
“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
4. One of the better ways to intrigue and thereby “hook” readers is to begin with a question. It doesn’t have to be explicit. In fact, implied questions often work best. For instance:
“Nobody was really surprised when it happened, not really, not on the subconscious level where savage things grow.” Carrie, Stephen King
“There once was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it.” Voyage of the Dawn Trader, C S Lewis
5. If you feel compelled to use a quote, try to make it very short. The problem with a quote is your reader has no idea who is speaking or the circumstances. Since that can’t be established until the end of an opening quote, if it’s long, there’s a risk readers will stop reading to go back and re-read the quote. Here’s one example of a great short-quote opening:
"Take my camel, dear,” said Aunt Dot as she climbed down from the animal on her return from High Mass. The Towers of Trebizond, Rose Macaulay
That’s all well and good, you say, but what about erotic stories? Glad you asked.
Writing, is writing, no matter the genre. That includes erotica. To quote the great Dooley Wilson, “The fundamental things apply.” Still, when writing fiction intended for Lushstories or lesser sites, there are a couple special items you might want to consider when crafting the opening.
note: The examples that follow are all taken from stories I’ve inflicted on unsuspecting readers here at Lush. I did this as an act of outrageous hubris and to avoid the challenge of trying to pick good examples from the works of the host of much more talented Lush writers, honest.
Shorter works seem to do best when they have a strong, active opening. There are many, award-winning, money-making exceptions to that rule-of-thumb and the opening does not necessarily have to be in a sex scene. For instance the first example (TABOO) hints at what may be about to happen, while the second (Wife Lovers) opens in the middle of all the action.
“Horny, nervous, and half-naked, Kelly Layton peeked through the open bedroom door. Inside, her step-brother lay stretched out on his unmade bed, reading a paperback.” Feels So Right It Can't Be Wrong (Taboo)
“Donna Faircloth, newly minted nurse and young wife, was getting gloriously fucked. Waves of ecstasy surged through her writhing body as the powerfully built man lying between her long, outstretched legs hammered his demanding cock in and out of her very willing cunt.”
Nurse Made (Wife Lovers)
Meanwhile, in categories such as Novels and Love Stories, readers don’t seem to mind openings that are more involved and/or less explicit. For instance:
“Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love—relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body. Not posing, not looking at the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her.”
Special Photo
And in conclusion my fellow writers, let me say that the main thing to remember about writing fiction is there are NO hard and fast, unbreakable rules. In what passes for the real world of publishing, it’s not what some English teacher considers right or wrong that counts, but what is considered effective or ineffective by agents, editors, and the reading public. That includes openings that are happy hookers.
==
And now, at no additional charge, here are some of my all-time favorite opening lines from novels.
Feel free to add any others that turn your crank.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
--
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
--
Call me Ishmael.
Moby Dick, Herman Melville
--
Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
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They shoot the white girl first.
Paradise, Toni Morrison
--
My mother was a virgin, trust me...
Emotionally Weird, Kate Atkinson
--
Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.
Back When we Were Grownups, Anne Tyler
--
The small boys came early to the hanging.
The Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follett
--
There once was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it.
Voyage of the Dawn Trader, C S Lewis
--
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf stream and he had gone 84 days now without taking a fish.
The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway
--
I have been afraid of putting air in a tire ever since I saw a tractor tire blow up and throw Newt Harbine's father over the top of the Standard Oil sign.
The Bean Trees, Barbara Kingsolver
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ON THE THIRD DAY OF THEIR HONEYMOON, infamous environmental activist Stewie Woods and his new bride Annabel Bellotti were spiking trees in the forest when a cow exploded and blew them up. Until then, their marriage had been happy.
Savage Run, C.J. Box
--
"Take my camel, dear", said Aunt Dot as she climbed down from the animal on her return from High Mass.
The Towers of Trebizond, Rose Macaulay
--
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
1984, George Orwell
--
"My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name Susie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973."
The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold
--
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
--
Francis Marion Tarwater's uncle had been dead for only half-a-day when the boy got too drunk to finish digging his grave and a Negro named Buford Munson, who had come to get a jug filled, had to finish it and drag the body from the breakfast table where it was still sitting and bury it in a decent and Christian way, with the sign of its Saviour at the head of the grave and enough dirt on top to keep the dogs from digging it up.
The Violent Bear It Away, Flannery O’Connor
--
They threw me off the hay-truck about noon. I had swung on the night before, down at the border, and as soon as I got up there under the canvas, I went to sleep. I needed plenty of that after three weeks in Tijuana, and I was still getting that when they pulled off to the side to let the engine cool. Then they saw a foot sticking out and kicked me off.
The Postman Always Rings Twice, James M. Cain
--
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
--
Nobody was really surprised when it happened, not really, not on the subconscious level where savage things grow.
Carrie, Stephen King
--
I am living at the Villa Borghese. There is not a crumb of dirt anywhere nor a chair misplaced. We are alone here and we are dead.
Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller
--
Whenever my mother talks to me, she begins the conversation as if we were already in the middle of an argument.
The Kitchen God's Wife, Amy Tan
--
Describe, using diagrams where appropriate, the exact circumstances leading to your death.
Red Dwarf, Grant Naylor
--
If you're going to read this, don't bother.
Choke, Chuck Palahnuik
--
I am an invisible man.
Invisible Man, Ralph Ellison
--
‘Once upon a time when the world was young there was a Martian named Smith.’
Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein
--
‘A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct.’
Dune, Frank Herbert)
--
I’ve watched through his eyes, I’ve listened through his ears, and I tell you he’s the one.
Ender’s War, Orson Scott Card
--
On this particular Thursday, something was moving quietly through the ionosphere many miles above the surface of the planet; several somethings in fact, several dozen huge yellow chunky slab-like somethings, huge as office blocks, silent as birds.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams)
--
Hobbits are little people, smaller than dwarves.
The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien)
--
It is true that I have sent six bullets through the head of my best friend, and yet I hope to show by this statement that I am not his murderer.
The Thing on the Doorstep, H.P. Lovecraft
--
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongye taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
--
It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York.-
The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
--
Scarlett O'Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm. –
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
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Home of the Lush "IN" crowd: indecent, intoxicated, and insolvent
a place to gossip, share news, talk sports, pimp a story, piss & moan, or just grab a drink. Check it out.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords. -- ROBERT HEINLEIN
Home of the Lush "IN" crowd: indecent, intoxicated, and insolvent
a place to gossip, share news, talk sports, pimp a story, piss & moan, or just grab a drink. Check it out.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords. -- ROBERT HEINLEIN
. The opening to Hunter Thompson's, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" might be worth inclusion, but I can't recall the exact quote. Any help would be depreciated. 
