There are very few absolutes within this lifestyle. How it is lived, has about as many varieties as couples within it. Besides the parole of "Sane, Safe and Consensual" there are few or no absolutes on how to practice BDSM. So what is the lifestyle all about?
There is one core thing that holds true for all the dynamics within BDSM; It involves some sort of power exchange. To put it in a simplified way, one person (the Dom) has power over the other (the sub). But here comes the crucial part; The power should always be GIVEN FREELY by the sub, in the manner decided by the sub. A real Dom will NEVER take or force power from a sub. The sub sets the limits within the relationship and can stop things and ask for the power back within a second. Once the dynamics have been set/decided, the Dom holds power over the sub, but the power should ALWAYS flow from the bottom (the sub) to the top (the Dom). A Dom only uses the power freely given to him/her by the sub based on his/her needs and wants.
It is also important to understand that being a Dom or sub is part of your personality, part of who you are, not a role you play. Much like say your sexual orientation is part of who you are, so is being a Dom or sub.
BDSM isn't about sex, in fact you can have BDSM relationships without any sex at all. However, most BDSM relationships will have a sexual component as most relationships between adults do, whether they are D/s or vanilla.
These are the basics of BDSM as I see it. Without understanding these, it is impossible to know what the lifestyle is about. There are tons of different dynamics in BDSM, but these things holds true regardless. Anyone else have any thoughts on this and how to best explain the lifestyle to those trying to learn about it and understand what BDSM is?
Firstly a big 'Thank you' Noric and a_chica for the insightful explanation of the term, and more importantly the conduct. I was always intrigued by BDSM, and never though it was reflected well in Movies (9 and a half weeks was too violet and non-consensual for me!). I always understood that it was a relationship between persons, with set out ground rules, as it where. Even more so than a 'standard' (sorry hate that term as your perception of what you like is 'standard').
I am interested in BDSM as I am interested in human psychology. I do feel I may qualify as a D, but do not know how to 'start', as it were. I am very conscious of consent, and I suppose I am a little shy in new places to start with. Do not get me wrong, my personality has be described as 'a force of nature', but I am always a slow start in new places (Here for example) as I do not always want to offend anyone. The stereotype of a sex stories forum is one of openness and constant hard-ons, but I like to think I understand people. Now of course I may be more reluctant to ask!!
I appreciate any hep you could give me.
Tank you dear friends!
Lloyd
My thanks to Nordic_Pixie, chica as well. There are a couple more things to add to the list if I might... the first is self-awareness. By that I meant a good Dom realizes that he is only part of the puzzle and without the other part he is just a guy (or girl) looking for a date! A Dom needs to have a sub in order to fill that other side of the coin as it were. Both parties are in the relationship because they need the other. Subs usually know this - it's the Dom's that have a hard time with that fact sometimes!
The other thing that needs to be added to the list is compassion. I don't care if you are a Daddy, A Dom, A Master, or a Sadist, if you don't have compassion for your partner to some degree, you had better hang up your crop and walk away! A Dom can do more damage by not caring for their sub than any beating ever did. And that caring comes in many forms - listening to them, aftercare, and just being there when they need you are all mandatory if you are going to be a good Dominant. Your sub relies on you to help them - if you aren't there to do that then why do they need to hang around?
As far as I'm concerned it's all about trust. Power freely given is one thing, but you do have to trust the person to whom you give that power. Not everybody is worthy of your trust and as a sub you do spend a lot of time in what could otherwise be dangerously vulnerable positions, so the trust has to be given and earned very carefully.
Once you have the trust, everything else gets easier. Do I want to try something new? Well, if I trust Him then I will try it because He thinks that I'll like it and I trust Him not to do me any permanent damage.
10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs
from the Society of Janus
1. Be Patient
A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don’t expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.
2. Be Humble
You may be God’s or Goddess’ gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.
3. Be Open
You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s-SM friends.
4. Communicate
Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it’s an emergency - wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.
5. Be Honest
Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.
6. Be Vulnerable
Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
7. Be Realistic
Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top’s equipment is expensive - respect it and don’t abuse it.
8. Be really Submissive
This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don’t. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
9. Be Healthy
D/s-SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.
10. Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative D/s-SM play.
THE UNWRITTEN LAW: Never ever endanger yourself or accept to do something for which you truly feel unsafe. Your dom and you must remember you are there to play with not to abuse. If your situation is not consensual stop!
Society of Janus:
The author of this article is unknown. It has appeared in an early issue of Growing Pains, the Eulenspiegal Society’s Prometheus magazine, and the July, 1980 Growing Pains. A represenative of the Society of Janus has attributed ownership to SOJ — — but was not able to identify the original author.
10 Considerations for Aspiring Dominants
from the Society of Janus
1. Be Patient
Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no right to order him/her around. Give your sub, time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
2. Be Humble
You may be God’s/Goddess’ gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself . No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
3. Be Open
Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in D/s-SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
4. Communicate
You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing D/s-SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of D/s-SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
5. Be Honest
If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
6. Be Sensitive
There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom’s needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
7. Be Realistic
End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favourite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail.
8. Be really Dominant
Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Respect and trust are a two way street for the sub to to you, they must receive and give both trust and respect. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
9. Be Healthy
Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of “drugs and alcohol don’t affect me that much… I can do it anyway” violates your submissive’s trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don’t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn’t be playing the game!
10. Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.
THE UNWRITTEN LAW: If your sub says the safe word, play stops. If play is not consensual it is abuse and you can and should be charged!!
Society of Janus: The author of this article is unknown. It appeared in the Eulenspiegal Society’s Prometheus magazine, and the July 1980 issue of Growing Pains. A representative of the Society of Janus has attributed ownership to SOJ — — but was unable to identify the author.
Very well said in the first two posts. A lot of people I have talked to about the BDSM Lifestyle believe it deals with domestic abuse. I have explained it many time much like the first post.
Brandie and I have been in the swinging / BDSM lifestyle for over 36 years of our over 37 years of marriage. We use it as part of our foreplay. We do use some flogging, but not as much as some do. Our genera is more in her being restrained and offered to other men and women for mutual sexual pleasure for all involved.
Brandie gets very turned on while preparing her body and getting dressed for pleasuring men and or women. We go through a ceremonious process, after she is dressed, placing her collar around her neck. Brandie has been lent out to other Doms and even auctioned off to other Doms for a fund raiser for 2 very well known children's charities.
We participated in the auction for 10 or 11 years twice a year. I am proud to say she went for a very high price. Third highest the first year out of 22 subs auctioned for the 3 day weekend. She was won by the same Dom all but 2 times. That was because he did not attend those two auctions.
She never received any of the money from the bidding. It all went to the charities. She was able to keep the clothes and lingerie she was provided with as well as the shoes, toys and jewelry, mostly costume.
She became a sub when she was 17 to a much older boyfriend at the time. She liked the very erotic sensations it created. It was with him and her sex life getting more erotic that produced her first squirting orgasm. Her first Dom was not pushy and did not force her into any thing she was not willing to do. He always respected her limits. I do too, as well as the other Doms she has been lent to.
I'm sure some non BDSM persons reading this post will look at BDSM in a totally different light. They will be surprised to learn the sub is the one with the controll of the scene.
Feel free to ask any questions you may have about the BDSM or swinging lifestyle. Or any thing about the aviation side of my life. It has all been great.
Nawty
Great resource - thankyou!
