So I'm working on my first adult fiction and I'd like some feedback please? I want to know if you get a feel for my main character and if you want to keep reading after the opening introduction. I know with me I decide if I'm going to keep reading a book in the first few pages so here is my first page, please be honest, brutality if need be.....
Chapter One
An Unexpected Lover
The intense heat of a mid-august night swirled about the room, even with the window open there was little respite. The faint glow of a streetlight outside, made its way into the room, just enough to illuminate the golden reading lamp and the over-used armchair it was directed at, the bookshelves that lined the scarlet red walls and the many books that adorned them, from the collection of deep, gem coloured novels embossed in golden lettering, right down to the tiny, iridescent black pocket book on the far end, which read “The Pocket Book Of Curses and Blessing”. The faint outline of the old oak wardrobe and the seldom used pole fixed in the corner was also visible, all that remained was the bed they lay upon.
Sarah lay in bed, the heat making it impossible for her to drift off. She was of medium build, slighter taller than the average woman with long, flowing, brunette locks and sparkling, blue eyes. Her perky bottom, curved body and plump, if a little small, breasts gave her a modest beauty. As she lay awake, the same thoughts raced through her mind, those same thoughts that kept her up most nights. After trying, and failing, for almost an hour to doze off into sleep, she finally relented and sat up on the edge of the bed. She looked over at Jason, he’d kicked of his duvet and lay completely naked on the silky sheets. She watched him as he breathed heavily; in and out, his chest rising and falling in a steady, calming rhythm. He’d managed to sprawl himself out as much as he possibly could, his rather round figure forcing him to take up most of the bed. Sarah stared at him, as she had many times before. She knew she loved him, but not in that, can’t keep your hands off each other, undying devotion, romance kind of love no, not that, more in that kind of, been together so long you’ve become a big part of each others life, not quite sure what it would be like to be apart kind of love. Not for the first time she tried to figure out where that ‘spark’ that connects two people on an intimate level had gone, it had been almost a year since they had been together as man and woman.
The first few years of their relationship had been full of such fiery passion; he was the best lover she had ever been with. That made it all that much harder to believe they had become one of those live in the same house, happen to sleep in the same bed sort of couples. All she wanted was to feel that spark that makes you want to make a pass at some one, with him just once more, but try as she might it just wasn’t there these days. Maybe it was because they were each trying to hold down two jobs and she was at collage too, they never really had time off at the same time. Maybe it was the lack of privacy with Theo, their roommate, usually having friends round, or maybe, they were just drifting apart. Sarah just couldn’t stop her mind racing with her thoughts, she had to stretch her legs. She gathered up her robe and threw it on, it just barley covered her bottom, the soft cotton giving subtle respite from the heat, on her naked body. Maybe I should throw on some pyjamas, Theo might still be awake she thought. A quick glance at the time revealed it was half past four in the morning and she gave dressing a miss and headed out the door, to pop downstairs for a cigarette.
Sarah walked down the hall towards the landing, she had to walk hands stretched out as darkness enveloped her. The door at the far end of the hall was open a jar, letting only just enough light through that she didn’t trip on the pair of work boots left outside the door. The peered through the crack, there she saw something she would never have expected. Through the crack in the doors she could see Theo lying on his bed, TV flickering with scenes of two women engaged in a vigorous session of heavy bondage. A beautiful blonde was strapped face-down on the bed, while a red-headed woman wielded a long red whip on her behind, hard enough to make the blonde squeal in a half pain, half pleasure kind of sound. Even with the volume on low, the silence of the house made it easy to make out the sounds coming form the telly. Theo had yet to notice Sarah watching him, while he clasped his hand on his hard cock, masturbating with slow rhythmic motions. Mixed, confusing feelings welled up inside Sarah, she knew she shouldn’t still be standing there, yet a tingle she hadn’t felt in a long while started deep inside, she could feel herself getting wet. Guilt threatened to overwhelm her. Just then Theo looked up and caught her watching him, his eyes met hers and she knew what she was going to do. She stepped into his room, closing the door behind her.
I will then go on as you would expect with a sexual scene and go to chapter two where Sarah is at work the following day, wrestling with her emotions on weather or not to continue the affair, only to return home with Jason working late, she goes for a shower where Theo takes it on himself to join her (insert sexual scene here) This is what makes Sarah want to continue with the affair. When Jason gets home it will be revealed the him and Theo are very close friends. I'm thinking of possibly jumping the POV from person to person, as my favorite set of books are very good at this and it makes for an interesting change for breaking it up a little, but not sure my skills are up to that as yet.
If You've gotten this far, THANK YOU!
Hi Saphria,
I saw your request for feedback on an initial story opening that you'd written.
I believe you have a good imagination and vivid descriptive powers, which is always a positive. However, if I could make one initial suggestion then it's that your sentences are often too long. There were several instances in that opening where you had sentences with nearly ten commas and sections, and this can be hard to parse. It can also be hard for a reader to fully become immersed if they are having to re-read sections to ensure they have the sentence formation correct in their own mind.
If you're interested in getting some editorial help, I'd be happy to help with the sentence structure. I've only posted eight stories myself, but you can get a sense for my writing style from those.
I think you've got a very nice start to a good story here, and it'll just be a question of getting the sentence and paragraph level structure right. Otherwise, looking forward to seeing more from you!
Hope this helps,
S.
After reading your opening, here are a few things that jump out to me.
1. Your sentence structure is belabored and run on.
2. You need more paragraph breaks.
3. When you describe a persons physical attributes, you need to do so in context. You went from her in bed not being able to sleep, to giving a physical description of her. How about something like: Unable to sleep because of the relentless heat, she stood naked in front of her full length mirror critically evaluating herself...
Anyway, you have a vivid imagination . Don't give up. Practice and patience will bring results.
Edited:
The intense heat of a mid-august night swirled about the room, even with the window open there was little respite. The faint glow of a streetlight outside, made its way into the room, just enough to illuminate the golden reading lamp and the over-used armchair it was directed at. The bookshelves that lined the scarlet red walls and the many books that adorned them, from the collection of deep, gem coloured novels embossed in golden lettering, right down to the tiny, iridescent black pocket book on the far end, which read “The Pocket Book Of Curses and Blessing”. The faint outline of the old oak wardrobe and the seldom used pole fixed in the corner was also visible. All that remained was the bed they lay upon and the iron framed mirror mounted on the far wall.
Sarah lay in bed, the heat making it impossible for her to drift off. As she lay awake, the same thoughts raced through her mind, those same thoughts that kept her up most nights. After trying, and failing, for almost an hour to doze off into sleep, she finally relented and sat up on the edge of the bed. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and scrutinised what she saw. She was of medium build, slighter taller than the average woman with long, flowing, brunette locks and sparkling, blue eyes. Her perky bottom, curved body and plump, if a little small, breasts gave her a modest beauty. She didn’t particularly like what she saw, nor did she hate it. It was more like she, just accepted it.
She looked over at Jason, he’d kicked of his duvet and lay completely naked on the silky sheets. She watched him as he breathed heavily; in and out, his chest rising and falling in a steady, calming rhythm. He’d managed to sprawl himself out as much as he possibly could, his rather round figure forcing him to take up most of the bed. Sarah stared at him, as she had many times before. She knew she loved him, but not in that, can’t keep your hands off each other, undying devotion, romantic kind of love. No, not that. It was more in that kind of, been together so long you’re not quite sure what it would be like to be apart kind of love. Not for the first time she tried to figure out where that ‘spark’ that connects two people on an intimate level had gone. It had been almost a year since they had been together as man and woman.
The first few years of their relationship had been full of such fiery passion; he was the best lover she had ever been with. He had this natural talent for making her squeal in delight and always knew how to turn her on. That made it all that much harder to believe they had become one of those live in the same house, happen to sleep in the same bed sort of couples. All she wanted was to feel that spark that makes you want to make a pass at some one, with him just once more, but try as she might it just wasn’t there these days. Maybe it was because they were each trying to hold down two jobs and she was at collage too, they never really had time off at the same time. Maybe it was the lack of privacy with Theo, their roommate, usually having friends round, or maybe, they were just drifting apart.
Sarah just couldn’t stop her mind racing with her thoughts, she had to stretch her legs. She gathered up her robe and threw it on, it just barley covered her bottom, the soft cotton giving subtle respite from the heat, on her naked body. Maybe I should throw on some pyjamas, Theo might still be awake she thought. A quick glance at the time revealed it was half past four in the morning and she gave dressing a miss and headed out the door, to pop downstairs for a cigarette.
Sarah walked down the hall towards the landing, she had to walk hands stretched out as darkness enveloped her. The door at the far end of the hall was open a jar, letting only just enough light through that she didn’t trip on the pair of work boots left outside the door. The peered through the crack, there she saw something she would never have expected. Through the crack in the doors she could see Theo lying on his bed, TV flickering with scenes of two women engaged in a vigorous session of heavy bondage. A beautiful blonde was strapped face-down on the bed, while a red-headed woman wielded a long red whip on her behind, hard enough to make the blonde squeal in a half pain, half pleasure kind of sound. Even with the volume on low, the silence of the house made it easy to make out the sounds coming form the telly. Theo had yet to notice Sarah watching him, while he clasped his hand on his hard cock, masturbating with slow rhythmic motions. Mixed, confusing feelings welled up inside Sarah She knew she shouldn’t still be standing there, yet a tingle she hadn’t felt in a long while started deep inside, she could feel herself getting wet. Guilt threatened to overwhelm her. Just then Theo looked up and caught her watching him, his eyes met hers and she knew what she was going to do. She stepped into his room, closing the door behind her.
You're very descriptive, which is good. I'm not only a writer/editor, I'm also a moderator here. It's kinda my thing to offer helpful criticism.
"The bookshelves that lined the scarlet red walls and the many books that adorned them, from the collection of deep, gem coloured novels embossed in golden lettering, right down to the tiny, iridescent black pocket book on the far end, which read “The Pocket Book Of Curses and Blessing”.
This sentence is just kind of ... displaced. You go from the illumination of the light outside, to this. A suggestion?
The light fairly made the gold lettering on the books glitter. Amidst the gem-coloured novels that sat upon the shelves adorning the scarlet walls, she spied a small black book. She could just barely read the lettering in the glow from the streetlamp: "The Pocketbook of Curses and Blessings."
It's also a perfect example of the run-ons that have previously been noted. Simply shuffling the words around to fit right, you can change a drawn-out run-along into several, more-descriptive sentences.
Another piece of advice: Show versus Tell. You've got promise in that area, I can tell. It's the art of drawing the reader in to the scene, showing them with your words what is there, rather than TELLING them it's there.
"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader - not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon." -E.L. Doctorow
