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1st time story writer, needs feedback on part 1 of story. and oponions

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loneleygirl68
The (Im)Proper Poetess
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Innocent question leads to…1st time Ménage
Part 1

Hi, my wife and I have been together for 20+ years. Like most marriages, lately our sex life has become routine (if I am lucky) and mostly nonexistent. Does that upset me, make me angry, and make me cheat? No, it is what it is… and that right there, is the real problem.

The other night my wife, Jill and I were sitting in the living room watching a movie and somehow the subject of threesomes came up. Jill wanted to know what I thought about people who did those kinds of things. Then she wanted to know if I thought about participating, or had participated is something like that. “Honestly, I have thought about it, but have never acted on it, why?” Have You?” “What?” “NO” but as we started watching the movie again, I kept glancing at her. I don’t think she even realized her breathing was becoming rapid and shallow, her pupils were dilated and she was trying to rub her clit against the seam of her jeans! I just pretended not to notice…

A short while later the movie ended and Jill said she was going to bed. I kissed her goodnight and told her I would be upstairs in a little while. I gave her about 15 min and then headed up. I went quietly because I suspected that my wife, who insists that masturbating is horribly disgusting, will be doing just that! I stop outside the door and press my ear up against it. Silence is all I hear at first, but then….Yep she is definitely playing with herself! I decided to interrupt her—I opened the door and I walked to my side of the bed, pretending not to notice how fast she pulled her hand off of her cunt and rolled over like she was already asleep.

She is not as good of an actress as she thinks! (I wonder how close she was.) Maybe I will get lucky tonight….

So, I climb into bed and scoot over to spoon her, she tenses up, then relaxes. “What’s the matter babe? I ask. She takes a deep breath and lets it out with a long sigh, “I can’t fall asleep she says” For Jill this is almost code for “I’m Horny”, but I refuse to ask you to fuck me. But just as I begin to reach for her breast, she sits up and says she is going to take a hot shower! Now I am hard, horny, and alone---
As I lay there alone in the bed with a raging hard on, I wonder how I can get her into a 3some situation and make it seem like her idea. Then it hits me! “Doug!” one of my best friends from high school and the best man at our wedding. He has always had the hots for Jill and I know she likes him more than she would ever admit. And as luck would have it, Doug is coming to town for our 20 yr high school reunion.
I fall asleep dreaming of the possibilities.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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You know, that's not bad at all for your first time writing. Very readable, even without you properly writing the dialogue. Typically, you should start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. Examples of this are easy to find on the Internet or on here. Writer's resources I think. Other than that I would delete the word "hi" from the beginning and I wouldn't use exclamation points unless it's in dialogue, but that's just my own opinion. I think things like that are a bit goofy. There are small grammatical errors throughout but let someone proofread it for you when you're finished. The way you write seems very natural though and so do your two characters.
loneleygirl68
The (Im)Proper Poetess
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Quote by Magical_felix
You know, that's not bad at all for your first time writing. Very readable, even without you properly writing the dialogue. Typically, you should start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. Examples of this are easy to find on the Internet or on here. Writer's resources I think. Other than that I would delete the word "hi" from the beginning and I wouldn't use exclamation points unless it's in dialogue, but that's just my own opinion. I think things like that are a bit goofy. There are small grammatical errors throughout but let someone proofread it for you when you're finished. The way you write seems very natural though and so do your two characters.




thank you, i appreciate the input. everything is a learning experience.
patokl
Active Ink Slinger
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I largely agree with Magical_Felix, although I like the way you build the conversation. I agree, that the conversation could be a separate paragraph, but for me, the sentences following up on each other the way they do here, works, though separating the sentences more clearly using periods or hard returns would make it a bit easier to read. I also think, you should at least start a new sentence following that conversation, for example "As we started watching the movie again...." in stead of "but as we started watching the movie again....". On the whole, I think there is room for improvement, but I definitely like your writing style and I think this could become a really good story.
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Stormdog
Gentleman Stranger
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Quote by loneleygirl68
also,

I am making the leap from writing poetry to stories so there is a different rhythm and "feel" to the writing. smile


You're correct, there is a very different feel to it, and usually a totally different way of formatting the work. Magical Felix is right about dialogue: Every time you change speakers, you need a paragraph break. A requirement, really, and one that will get your story returned for corrections if you fail to do so more than a time or two, which a moderator might edit for you.

Also, the formatting of the dialogue - especially punctuation - is important. A lot of very good info on it in the writer's resources forum.

Good proofreading to catch errors is essential; you might want to ask a friend to help, or post here for someone to help. There are those that love to do that.

Minor things that might not get your story returned (unless there are other issues as well) are: 20 years or 15 minutes are better written as twenty or fifteen; dates (June 17, 2015, for example), measurements, addresses, etc are all fine as numbers, as well as large numbers, usually including anything over 100. Otherwise most should be spelled out.

You should avoid abbreviations, for the most part. Even things such as etcetera and okay should be written out rather than using etc. or OK (or ok), yet the use of Mr. or Mrs. is fine.

Just a few things. Use the resources here - most of them are actually very good, and some even quite humorous. Ask for help, as you have done, or talk to one of the moderators. We'd love to get your stories and read you, but don't get discouraged if you get one back for edits and corrections. It happens to all of us, sometimes several times on one story. The standards here are fairly high, so it's maybe not the easiest place to get published... it's just the best!

Good luck, enjoy writing, and Happy Lushing,

storm
loneleygirl68
The (Im)Proper Poetess
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Storm-

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I the brief amount of time I have been on Lush, I have learned a lot. The next parts of the story are being looked at and reviewed by several individuals. Growing and improving as both writers and individuals takes time,wisdom,encouragement and sometimes a good swift kick in the seat of the pants!

Thanks again,
Loneleygirl68