a little under 5 years ago, i met the love of my life. i call her that because i've never felt about anyone the way i feel about her, and when i think about my future, i can't picture myself being happy with anyone but her.
very long story made very short: we dated off and on for awhile, it never really worked out, we decided to, and did, remain good close friends. i started dating someone else, and after 3 years, me and the someone else broke up. she broke up with me because she didn't think i was capable of making a commitment to her. if i'm completely honest, the reason i couldn't was because i never got over the first girl.
this brings us to last fall, and the first girl and i grew close again (despite always remaining friends, we grew apart somewhat while me and the other girl were dating). i'm very open about how i feel about her, and she's very open about not being ready to date until we've rebuilt our friendship to where it once was, and about how she hasn't figured out how she feels. that's basically where we still are, 6-ish months later. we're very close (she's probably my best female friend), and that's great, but nothing has happened between us romantically.
she has casually dated quite a bit recently, though she isn't in a relationship with anyone, and while i'm not over her (and doubt i'll ever be) i have at least accepted that it isn't going to ever happen, and i can at least take some comfort in the idea that maybe i can move on with my life a little bit.
here's my dilemma:
i'm a control freak, and i'm endlessly bothered by things that i can't control and that don't make sense to me. we've talked a lot about where we both are, and i think she has a genuinely deep affection for me--it hasn't clicked romantically, but that doesn't make the affection any less real. so EITHER:
(1) she's telling the truth about how much she loves and cares for me, and yet we're not together, because even though she'll give a bunch of random guys that she doesn't known from adam a chance, she won't give us a chance despite the depth of affection between us; OR
(2) she's a liar and she's leading me on, and despite this, i love her more than i've ever loved anyone.
neither of these make ANY sense to me, and that absence of any rational order makes me absolutely insane. thoughts?
I don't want to date others when I am in love
Heck even after breaking up I don't want to date
Am confused she is dating others so she won't commit? Please help me understand?
Its not that hard either they want to be with you or not
Some people dangle past loves so they have a back up plan
So are u willing to be that
If I misread the post please forgive me...as I said was a bit confused
Wow, where to begin?
First of all, I do not have all the answers. Just some thoughts and first impressions, which may or may not be valid, and are probably out of context because I cannot know the whole story. No doubt, your reality is way more detailed than we can possibly discuss here.
You suggest you are a "control freak", and can't get over things that are beyond your control. At least you recognize this in yourself, as a first step to maybe making a positive change. Maybe ask yourself why you are so fixated on things you cannot control. If you stop worrying about what you cannot control, then you will be way more relaxed, more receptive to changes that cannot be avoided anyway. Don't sweat the small stuff. Learn to roll with the punches. Sorry for the cliches. At the heart of it all, don't try to change others to suit yourself. You may always be disappointed if you cannot yield...and then it will not be "her fault" (or anyone elses fault) for not changing. How you feel is all on you, in your hands, under your control. That is what you are entitled, and expected, to control.
So, this woman may be really interested in certain qualities about you, but maybe there is something keeping her from committing. Like...maybe...your need to be always in control??? What if instead you are equals in all things? You don't have to agree on everything, just agree enough to have fun and want to be together more often. If that is not happening, and you are trying your best, it is not your fault or hers, it just is what it is. And then, it may be time to reassess your priorities
You should not worry about what others think and feel about you. You should only focus on your own reactions, how you feel about how others feel.
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain (or Lincoln, or Confucius, or...)
thank you all for your kind words and advice. it means a lot.
You sound like a lovely man..as the others said..go with what you feel..hugs hope it works out for u
I can understand how insane it can get when there are no answers or feedback, since communication is important to me.
So what did you find out? Update us!
Well, you have said that you have accepted and can move on with your life and that's a great move on your part. You'll always be friends, so you'll always have her in your life. Take comfort in that.
