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Looking for feed back and criticism. It's all welcome

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Rookie Scribe
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I felt every drop dripping
like a sieve left for ages to let its wet slowly
begin taking a woman
her heart
her dress and her gaze
down by the soft skin of her ankles
her skin a vibration
enervated by the air
Being vulnerable and uncovered
in some back room
I didn't hold her close
she kept me at arms length
suckling at the thoughts of where
skin might touch skin
and her mouth was a temple and I prayed
revelation painted every hungry glance
reveling in her blue depths
My eyes are brown sometimes
and sometimes green.
my mouth will eat when I am not hungry
and I will take
my hands a'plunder
for we have bargained
and with every drop
every drip you let down
my skin all a'shiver
I'll close my eyes
all greens and blues and you close your eyes
bright as they are
Tied up and bound to whatever anchor might come to you
left alone writhing on a bed of your autumn
when spring comes it pays no heed to the seasons that were
as it is desiring of warmth
enveloped in your helpless cling to what was a season before
like a thunderstorm
that brings summer rain to bear against a northern wilting
like the cum that paints a sapling pussy
until its autumn's shudder gives way to the heat
come from the shifting axis of a world to its Sun
from here winter is far
and the wings of summer
hold to the the sky and circle
Her Royal Spriteness
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It needs editing. a mistake people will fall into, sometimes, is that they write poetry as a stream of consciousness, which is where poetry should start, but it shouldn't stop there. take what you write and then craft it. figure out what works, what doesn't, meddle with it - i'll tell you the same as i tell story writers - you should spend far more time on editing than you do on writing - writing should be freeing, you just do exactly that, write - and then, you sit down and do the hard stuff, the not as fun stuff, the important stuff, and take the raw clay shape of your story and turn it into a work of art.

I felt every drop dripping
like a sieve left for ages to let its wet slowly
begin taking a woman

i'll use the above example - YOU might know exactly what you meant by the three lines above, but you should be writing for an audience - me? i was left wondering where the breaks should come, what the drops were, what were drops like a sieve - drops FROM a sieve, i would understand. what does 'to let it's wet slowly begin taking a woman" even mean? was that where the break was even meant to be? seriously, work this, don't think that, just because the words are in ink that it's finished.

hopefully, that's constructive criticism. take it to heart. rome wasn't built in a day, ya know? smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Rookie Scribe
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Thanks. Yeah I see new things/problems every time I re-read it. I like the general concept though. Aside from the problems you mentioned above I've had trouble with the spacing after I click on publish and view the write, it changes. It was written in stanzas. I put it on here as a single stanza as It seems to change format wildly whenever I submit. Thanks again. I shall continue to meddle, work on making my intent more apparent, and probably just write on the forum mostly.
Nerdzilla
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Quote by rhaegar4545
Thanks. Yeah I see new things/problems every time I re-read it. I like the general concept though. Aside from the problems you mentioned above I've had trouble with the spacing after I click on publish and view the write, it changes. It was written in stanzas. I put it on here as a single stanza as It seems to change format wildly whenever I submit. Thanks again. I shall continue to meddle, work on making my intent more apparent, and probably just write on the forum mostly.


Buz had the great suggestion of PMing it to yourself and copying and pasting it when you submit. This somehow keeps the stanzas so you don't have to edit and manually space them out again. It saves a lot of time! smile
Rookie Scribe
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Ahh... Thanks a ton, Delphi.
Convict
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Quote by Delphi


Buz had the great suggestion of PMing it to yourself and copying and pasting it when you submit. This somehow keeps the stanzas so you don't have to edit and manually space them out again. It saves a lot of time! smile



I wish I'd known this a long time ago. Thanks ?
Scarlet Seductress
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There are a few great lines in your poem. Definitely worth spending some more time on.

"Revelation painted every hungry glance"

I like this.
Lurker
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You are a beautiful writer, my friend.

Great advice, all.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by sprite
It needs editing. a mistake people will fall into, sometimes, is that they write poetry as a stream of consciousness, which is where poetry should start, but it shouldn't stop there. take what you write and then craft it. figure out what works, what doesn't, meddle with it - i'll tell you the same as i tell story writers - you should spend far more time on editing than you do on writing - writing should be freeing, you just do exactly that, write - and then, you sit down and do the hard stuff, the not as fun stuff, the important stuff, and take the raw clay shape of your story and turn it into a work of art.

I felt every drop dripping
like a sieve left for ages to let its wet slowly
begin taking a woman

i'll use the above example - YOU might know exactly what you meant by the three lines above, but you should be writing for an audience - me? i was left wondering where the breaks should come, what the drops were, what were drops like a sieve - drops FROM a sieve, i would understand. what does 'to let it's wet slowly begin taking a woman" even mean? was that where the break was even meant to be? seriously, work this, don't think that, just because the words are in ink that it's finished.

hopefully, that's constructive criticism. take it to heart. rome wasn't built in a day, ya know? smile


This is sage. I can give an example of my own work in real life. In a history book I published I spent 17 years editing 26 pages of it. Now that is an extreme, granted. But good writing, as sprite says, is a matter of blood, sweat and tears.
Rookie Scribe
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I could feel every drop dripping
like I sometimes feel a sound
a gasp and moan
jumping from synapse
to synapse
dripping from a sieve
left to sift for a season
to slowly give of its wet
only the most sincere
the warmest and pure of fragrance
drip down like her dress
and down like her gaze
down by the soft skin of her ankles
her skin was tingling white and felt a change in atmosphere
like a hooded raven on the cusp liberation
enervated by the air
anticipating the knot slipped
the hood lifted
and eyes revealed to the world outside
a bound energy reveals itself first as a vibration
not long after she melted ice

(Here is a bit of revision on what might be the first stanza