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How do you know it's over?

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Rookie Scribe
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Me and my husband have been together 9 years and married 4! We are childhood sweethearts and in our mid twenties now. We have two children who are 8 and 4 and well everything annoys me his snoring, his farting, he doesn't help with housework unless I nag n I mean nah not just little can you do this please. We never used to argue but I get so frustrAted sometimes I bite back (not in a good way either ;)?). We hardly have sex now n I have a high sex drive he doesn't seem to care now n when we do it's the same. Plus half the time we never finish because I'm bored n he has a dead arm or something silly.... I love my husband but we live like roommates rather than husband n wife. Hardly snuggle, go out or kiss. His my best friend but I just don't know any more


This is the first ever time I have said this out loud or written it down so it's mumble jumble so sorry... I just don't know how to feel any more sad there is also a work colleague who has caught my eye and we are always flirting but nothing can happen.. Have to say I'm a bit sad about that as I feel like I like him :/

I sound pathetic sorry please ignore i just needed to get this down somewhere...

Thanks
Claire xoxox
Lurker
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relationships stagnate--it's part of life, and you can either deal with it together or you can both ignore it and you'll end up filling that void with someone else. get into counseling and see if you can save your marriage. i wish you both the best.
Lurker
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There's a reason why you were with him for 9 years and have 2 kids together.. It's true relationship stagnate but it's up to both of you to make it better.. I think the approach is everything.. Try to talk to him openly about your concerns and maybe even surprise him with sexy lingerie and an evening just the two of you..

p.s. the grass is always greener on the other side. up to a point..
Advanced Wordsmith
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Relationships take work, work from both partners they do not just blossom in a vacuum. The longer you are with someone that harder it is not to take what they do for granted, to thank them for the little things that you start to expect them to do without prompting.

You have been together for 9 years you might know what works and what doesn't. How do you convince him to do something. How can one ask without getting frustrated to do the simple chores that just need to be done (cooking, cleaning, laundry, picking up kids, dropping them off and so on ...).

1) It may very well be that in your head it is so clear what needs to be done around the house, in his head a pile of dirty dishes can be done tomorrow.

2) Conflict resolution, if you are having the same flights they are not getting resolved, you need to find a way to get out of the cycle.

this leads to
3) Conversation, you have to find a way to speak about it as part of a conversation, that doesn't mean talking at him, he may not absorb any of the information you throw his way However, speak with him. One fairly good way to do this ... ask him what he thinks about topic _____ get him to start to talk ... once he expresses how he feels you might be surprised and find a common ground to work with in his frame of mind and then work together to find a system that works for both of you

Last but not least, if you can not on your own find a solution talking to a professional can help (for both of you, or for yourself) however, going in it is good to have clear goals so you can work on them.

A person at work (gym, mall, milk man, online) will always seem better since when you interact with them they are 100% about you ... if they are not you will stop interacting with them so the grass seems greener ... yet if you were to live with them 24x7 for a year they would have new found annoyances for you to enjoy (the way they spread the toothpaste, the way they put away the bread ...)
Active Ink Slinger
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What a load of crap people spout.
You're childhood sweethearts, not so sweet now.
You've been together for nine years and have an eight year old. You got pregnant early in your relationship but no marriage.
You got married four years ago and have a four year old child.
Just get out if you aren't happy.
Don't stay together for the kids, that's the wrong thing to do. You never lived before you ended up pregnant. If you aren't happy, the children will pick up on that. They are your priority!
Active Ink Slinger
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It sounds as if the two of you need to rekindle the romance and remember what you love about each other. When you allow the romance to die, and the relationship becomes stagnate, you won't feel "in love" anymore. So now everything he does annoys you, you get bored, you become unhappy and you start searching for something more with someone else. What you are craving is the romance. The truth of the matter is, he isn't the problem, you are. Your approach to the relationship and your attitude is what is making you miserable.

Somewhere along the line, you placed an expectation on him he wasn't even aware of, and because he wasn't aware of it, you got disappointed. Disappointment breeds contempt and anger. So now, nothing he does is ever good enough. It's gotten to the point where things like how he snores or farts is more important to you than all his good qualities.

Here's the thing...you brought it on yourself. If you nag him about housework, and scold him like a child, he knows you don't respect him. When a man knows he is not being respect, he will close his heart to you. He will only withdraw from you even more. When a man withdraws from you, he isn't going to want to be romantic with you. He won't put forth the effort if he knows nothing he does is good enough to satisfy you, because you are always disappointed and angry with him. Deal with your anger issues first, before you blame him for your misery.

You admitted, your sex life is suffering because you get too bored to finish. That's not his fault, it's yours. Boredom is a state of mind. Happiness is also a state of mind. You are responsible for your own happiness. It's not his job to make you happy or keep you happy, it's yours. You have the power to rekindle your relationship and bring back the romance. Going to another man for attention isn't going to fix anything, because you are the common denominator in every relationship you ever have, and lets face it...any new man you get with is going to belch and fart and snore too. That's not a reason to destroy your family.
Lurker
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relationships take work from both parties the starting point is to sit down and talk to each other. The difference in sex drive is very normal and very common.
Active Ink Slinger
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Big clue here..............there is also a work colleague who has caught my eye and we are always flirting but nothing can happen.. Have to say I'm a bit sad about that as I feel like I like him :/

Someone is paying attention to you and flirting with you which is making you feel good, and making you think about the grass on the other side of the fence. Communication is important in a relationship, and if you haven't sat down with him and talked about all the things you mentioned in your post, that's where you need to start. If there's no change after you talk, think about counseling, however, it will only help if you are both interested in working on your relationship.
Active Ink Slinger
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This is probably the first time I've seen a forum thread where most, if not all, of the prior posts/replies are actually good advise.

Both of you were very young when the relationship started, and you're still very young...and already been raising a family for the past 8 years.

My 2 cents: Focus on your family and marriage - what drew you to each other at the beginning? Communicate with him. Reignite the fire. You both need to want to make this work.
As to your work colleague --- dont do anything you'll regret. Some mistakes cant be undone.

Good luck to you, and perhaps one day, you'll update us here of how things are for you.
Rookie Scribe
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Hey everyone, thank you for the advice. Really appreciated. We have talked over and over and it changes for a bit then goes back don't get me wrong I know some of this is my fault.

Just want to add again as i did in the original post nothing could ever happen with that work colleague as I do love my husband we are best friends and have known eachother for 11 years! We were on and off before we officially got together. I guess I just needed to get my thoughts out there i even said above that I sounded pathetic as I know i love him and I know he loves me and we do have some brill times together. I think work and other things have got in the way of that over the years. I've worked nights for about 4 years and that meant he would get in from work and I'd be going back out vicious cycle!! I know relationships aren't easy which is why I don't want to give up on us. I was just asking for advice/ when would you know it's over (the fact I'm asking that clearly means I don't think we are). I just needed to get it out and talk!

Again thank you for the advice.
Active Ink Slinger
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I was with my wife for 5 years before we were married 20 years and we enjoyed each other for years before we had kids, I knew it was over for a while,you just know in your heart , but the day she made it clear she was in the kitchen I walked up behind her put my arms around her and she tensed up she took a deep breath and said I wasn't allowed to just touch her like that anymore, she said I love you I always will you are the father of my kids but I am not in love with you anymore. Sometimes you just can't go back
Lurker
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I cant say it any better than this.


“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” -Anais Nin.
Lurker
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Me and my wife have been together for 15 years and married for 14, she has a debillating illness which causes strains on our marriage. I think we both know it's coming to an end but don't want to say anything to each other?
Active Ink Slinger
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When u are sad or mad EVERY day...when u can't remember the last time you were happy or laughed with your partner

But when u have kids with someone u are bound for life through them

How about this

He comes home and tells u he is in love with another and is leaving you

If u have ANY other emotion BUT relief...keep trying

Its not over

Hugs
" smile..it is the second best thing to do with your LIPS!"
Rookie Scribe
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Maybe my story will provide a little reference and hopefully be of assistance.....

Married for almost 20 years, with two teenagers. Without question, my marriage has never been better, and my wife would tell you the same.

As recently as two years ago, we were both independently - ie, without each other's knowledge - looking into divorce. We each went so far as to contact divorce attorneys. There is a lot that I could go into and understand that we both did very hurtful things to each other, but I'll spare you the details. But if I could boil it all down to one thing, it was communication. We simply didn't communicate. We were two people who happened to have kids together who were sharing a house.

Over time, that lack of communication, of sharing, led to resentment. We resented each other. I used to have terrific arguments with her...all in my head. We never really fought, either. Neither of us wanted conflict, so we just did our thing, stayed out of each other's way, and tried to get along. We actually got along fine, but there was no passion, no love, no selflessness. It's very sad to think back on what all we missed out on.

Her affair was the real catalyst for change. While I didn't have an affair, I also did some very, very destructive things. I created a toxic environment in which an affair could happen. No, I'm not naive. She made a conscious choice to have the affair and nobody forced her.

So what did we do? We made a commitment to save our marriage. We learned to talk. REALLY, really talk. We turned off the TV, put down our smartphones and laptops, and talked. We had many, many difficult and painful discussions. We were brutally honest with each other. We also decided that we needed help. We each saw therapists. After a while, we started seeing a marriage counselor, and it was very helpful.

IMO, you should sit down with your husband and have a very frank and honest discussion. Don't do this in bed late at night. Don't do this after you and husband have had a couple drinks. Be loving but firm. Tell him that you are worried about your marriage and you want to do whatever it takes to make it work, to make it better. Don't produce a list of things that he does that you don't like (that's nagging), but paint a picture of what your marriage can be. Tell him that you will fight for him.

Maybe he won't agree that it needs work, or maybe he won't agree to do the work. You can't make him.

Best wishes to you!
Lurker
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It aint over till the fat lady sings .