i'll try to keep this reasonably short, but i'll answer any questions that may help an interested party address this...
i feel like objectively i'm a guy that should do fairly well with women. i'm not the world's most attractive man but i'm reasonably handsome, i'm fit, i'm still a young man, i'm fairly successful for my age and i treat people well. most of my friends, i think, would tell you that i'm a great friend and the kind of person you can count on no matter what you need.
i've had about half a dozen meaningful relationships but they've all started from situations where i already knew the girl and had a certain level of comfort with her before we started dating. the lone exception was when i was set up with a girl by a colleague, and we went out once and started dating. point being, i'm no good, AT ALL, at just meeting a girl at random and striking up a conversation, asking her out, etc. i don't think i've ever done that in my life.
two friends who both know me very well have alternatively told me that my problem is that i lack confidence, and that i'm too cocky, so i feel like someone is missing something somewhere. i see myself as an approachable, friendly guy, but i get absolutely stonewalled by girls in social situations.
i realize that's not much to go on, but maybe it's a jumping off point. again, i'll answer just about anything that may fill in details. i appreciate anyone's input.
Confidence is a big one. It can be very hard to build that up especially if you had rejection after rejection.
I can suggest a few things off the top of my head that you can try:
1) Greet every single person you see one day with a smile and a good morning (you can stop after 11 am ... people will no longer smile back), when you do that force yourself to look in their eyes. You will be surprised by how many people smile back and respond. This helps with confidence somewhat
2) Join a group, running groups are good, along with art or other activities that are group oriented and involve talking to others .. at the same time allow people to not talk if they don't want to.
3) Start random conversations with people next to you on a bus/train/plane , this helps with having confidence in conversation.
Also .. perhaps you are overall critical of the women that you meet, maybe you are trying to find the perfect one, while passing up the right one?
The best way to build up confidence in conversation is to go and have them (with real people .. not online :P ) go out and start talking
Take time to work on yourself and know what you want. When you go up to a woman have something to talk about. Let her know you are interested in her. Always look for ways to improve yourself. Find things that you are interested in. You can met people that way. Most of all learn to believe in yourself. If you don't. No one will
Okay, if your friends are telling you that you are BOTH lacking confidence AND too cocky, that is kind of a contradiction, unless you are approaching women with a superficial 'come-on', which lacks sincerity and seems disingenuous or rehearsed. Unless we are attracted to a guy on sight, most women are turned off by obvious pick-up attempts, and respond better to guys who exude a casual confidence in light conversation without an obvious agenda. Clever situational humor works wonders too, but desperation is all too easy to pick up on, so interact with everyone, not just women, to hone your conversational skills. Be a joiner. Volunteer for community activities, and take a lead when you do get involved, but most of all, be comfortable with yourself, and try to listen to yourself as others perceive you, so you are aware of the things which make you seem likable and the things that would turn YOU off if you were a woman.
thanks for the input everybody. i appreciate the thoughtful comments.
bethany, the best i can figure is that i come off lacking confidence AND cocky because those two people are referring to different sides of me. i think before i get to know people, i can come across as lacking confidence, because i often prefer to observe more than interact in social situations--maybe that's a lack of confidence or maybe it isn't, i'm not sure. but once i get to know someone, i play a cocky attitude for (what i thought was obviously) humor; i talk about how handsome i am, how nice i dress, how good my hair looks, that sort of thing. i thought it was coming across as obvious sarcasm, but maybe not.
There is a fine line between sexy confidence and stupid arrogance (cockiness).
Scenerio:
You see a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table in a coffee shop. You want to approach her. If you decide to do it you have essentially two options:
A. Walk up to her and say, "Hi, my name is______. I saw you from across the room, and I wanted to introduce myself and take the chance that you might let me sit down and get to know you. Can I buy you anther cup and chat with you?"
B. Walk up to her and say "Hey baby, (insert cheesy pick up line). Let me buy you another?"
Scene A: You've given her your name. You admit you saw her, thought she is beautiful (without actually saying it), acknowledge that you are strangers, admit you are taking a chance by approaching her first. Being polite. Offering to buy her another drink. Asking a question, and inviting a favorable response, WITHOUT BEING CREEPY.
Scene B: Offers no information about yourself, doing nothing to put her at ease about being approached by a stranger, and are generally being a cocky, and a creep.
Women respond favorably to scene A over scene B nearly every time.
The Exceptions usually fall under 1 of 4 categories:
1. She's busy and in a hurry, not looking to chat with anyone.
2. She just got out of a relationship and isn't looking to meet anyone new.
3. She's a lesbian and not interested in men, no matter how polite you are.
4. She's already in a relationship with someone, and not looking to cheat.
If she says no, don't get all childish and butt hurt about it. Smile, say thanks anyway, and walk away. Don't pester her or make her feel bad. You won't win any non-creepy points by being pushy.
thanks again for the responses. i think part of my problem is that i kinda have tunnel vision in public settings--especially when i'm out for some particular purpose, i focus on that task and i miss a lot going on around me. combine that with a tendency to be slightly reserved anyway, and even though i think i'm a very friendly person, i'm not sure i'm particularly outgoing. i think there are a lot of things, some so subtle you don't even realize you're doing them, that can make you look less approachable, but hopefully with a conscious focus on eliminating those things i can be more sociable and approachable.
Good luck and lets us know how it goes ... and what Audri said is spot on once you feel you are ready to engage in conversation.
Nothing like random strangers telling you how to talk to ... random strangers ...
A smile will put anyone at ease right away and will make you more approachable. Perhaps people are misreading you. My sister was really pretty, but very shy and lacked confidence which made her come off as arrogant and turned people off. We all experience a bit of anxiety in social situations, but the best thing to do is make small talk, smile often, and keep sarcasm down a bit till the person has gotten to know you better.
Be surprised at how often one of us will get hit on by guys BECAUSE we're lesbians. It's enough to turn a girl gay.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
. But that's just my personal style. If I could think of a funny situational opener, i'd probably start with that. It's the confidence/relevance that carries it off. If you've got humour on your side, use it.
