When it comes to BDSM, I don't know shit about shit. And I don't pretend to, either. But it seems as if the BDSM culture is sort of growing, especially within this site. Almost every chat room I enter, whether it's BDSM oriented or not, a great majority of the people there are self-proclaimed doms or subs. What I don't understand is that it almost seems like they use the title to define themselves. I'm trying to word this right, but hopefully you understand where I'm coming from. It's like, you meet someone and they're like "Hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm a dom/sub." OK. That's lovely. But what else? I understand being a dominant or a submissive type can be a huge part of who you are, but it's not the ONLY quality you possess. And also what I'm beginning to see a lot of is people reinventing themselves as doms or subs. It's like a light bulb goes off, and they're like "Hey! I think I wanna be a dom/sub. I think I'll start today. Let me go find someone to completely control or completely give myself to." I am in no way trying to mock the lifestyle, but I'm just trying to understand it all. I mean is it healthy for this to just completely take over who you are? I've known several people before they decided to take up the lifestyle...and it's as if becoming a dom or a sub has completely changed who they are and it's something they use to define themselves. What happened to just being a regular human being like everyone else? Does being a dom/sub come before that? Is that really all there is to you? Shouldn't there be more? And obviously this doesn't apply to every single person in this lifestyle, as I've met some pretty down to earth types and I wouldn't even know they were involved with this kind of thing if I hadn't read it in their profile or if someone else hadn't brought it up.
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"i think, perhaps, that because this is a sexually orientated site, we put more emphasis on our sexual identity here. also, being one of the few places in peoples lives where they can feel comfortable declaring their sexuality, especially in the realm of bdsm, they are more likely to take advantage of that. declaring yourself a Dom at a family picnic is not something most feel comfortable doing. nor at work, or in most of their friendships, so yeah, it's likely very freeing to be able to finally have a forum to do it in, so they take advantage of it and areveryy vocal about it."
Sprite kinda nails it with that. Besides if you went to a horoscope site I'm sure people would say hi I'm John doe and I'm a Libra, but people mistake me for a Scorpio. Its a fairly short and effective descriptive term relating to interests and or personality considering the theme of the site.
I've never seen two people on lush carry out a model train discussion, but I'm sure on a model train website chatroom when you say hello you find some people prefer steam, others like bullet trains?
I understand that this is an Adult site but in MY opinion and this is just me saying this. I'm who i am, my submission is for me and whom i serve. I don't feel the need to run around the rooms and forums proclaiming this is who or what i am. My submission doesn't define me only but it is who i am.
I believe that some go very deep into the lifestyle and that is what defines them the most. Others i believe are living a fantasy here online and thinks that maybe being a Dom or Mistress will make them "special" or give them rights to say and do anything they please. Which couldn't be further from the truth. A Dom/Mistress are carrying, honorable and doesn't need to announce who or what they are to gain respect, by their actions it will show.
One doesn't need to act like the big person on campus to be a Dom/Mistress. I also see a lot of people claiming a status that takes years to gain after training and observing and living it rather online or for real. You don't just wake up one day and claim "Hey i'm a Master or Ma'am" and be successful. Just like anything in life there is research, training and learning. A submissive puts their trust in a Dom/me and if they aren't properly trained can do mental and physical damage. This is a risk no matter what but just plain scary with one that self proclaims a status without working their way up to that title that was EARNED.
Part of a Dom/mes duty to the submissive is to train them to be the best submissive that they can be to show them what is acceptable and what isn't with them. With one Dom/me is acceptable but to another isn't so there is always learning. To a submissive there should be no grater fail then to disappoint their Dom/me. That is the worst feeling and punishment should never be fun. The punishment is there to also guide you and many think it's a thrill or turn on for a Dom/me. It's not it hurts them just as much as the submissive failed and they are having to correct the submissive. Will a submissive mess up YES, will a submissive need guidance A big ol' hell yes. All this is part of the package. But without being shown the way who's fault is it really??? ~whispers~ the correct answer is the Dom/me. To be a Dom/me is more then having a someone to order around it's a deep connection, to put your trust into each other and know that the Dom/mes would never hurt you and that it hurts them as well.
I see so many examples of people using a title to berate and exploit others. This goes both ways as Dom/mes and submissive. If this is role play for a couple then that's fine but say that, there is nothing wrong with fantasy but remember there is somebody on the other end of those words. Just cause you see words does not make it alright to harass and play an evil game with the person on the other end. Always keep in mind that people behind the words do have feelings as words hurt and cause emotional scaring...It happens in not only the BDSM community but in All others as well. Respect that is one of the main ingredients to this lifestyle and should be in others.
Your right there is more to a person but we may not always show it as well. Some people are private and needs it brought out while others proudly claim who they are as well what interest them. I have interest on my profile and sometimes will discuss them in a room or with others. I tend to just flow with different topics but since this is an adult site many just jump past the niceties and go right for the Velcro community. You can't judge a lifestyle by a few. ( which I very much understand wasn't the case here) each to their own and in the end it's just figuring out which is which in terms of fantasy and believing. Just my thoughts..
Sorry got on a roll up there and went with a thought....
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
A person has to allow another to dominate them. A Dom/me can not force a submissive as submission is a gift and as such should be treated as the highest form of honor in a D/s relationship. It's the submissive that decides who is a Dominate as without a submissive who will the Dominate dominate. The submissive holds a lot of power but not to top from the bottom. A submissive should not try to control the relationship by manipulation. It's an honor to give your submission and a greater honor to receive it.
Submission should never be forced but freely given as well as it shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool for either parties to get your way.
Respect is a two way street and as such should be earned not just given because of a title. I have met many Doms that would not allow Sir to be given to them unless it was earned. In this regard it may come down to what one was taught. Some automatic give the title in a show of acknowledging the status while some were taught to only give to their Dom/me. Neither is right nor wrong, mostly a preference and respect given to their training.
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Thankfully, unlike dating website we don't have to complete a compatibility test, or even post our Myers-Briggs personality type on our profiles (I'm ENTP by the way).
The so-called BDSM lifestyle is largely made up of people with similar personality types; when they say "You wouldn't understand, you're not in the lifestyle" what they're really saying is "your personality doesn't suit the lifestyle". If someone has a rebellious personality there are aspects of the culture that will seem entirely alien to them but that doesn't mean it's entirely closed off.
People have their own definition of what subs and doms should and shouldn't be - if that definition is compatible with what someone else thinks, who's to say they're wrong.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber This is an interesting thread. Lots of good input, but also kind of reminds me of another question/debate I see a lot.... Are you "really" a biker? Is a biker one who wears leather all the time and goes to biker bars? Is a person who has X or Y type of bike "really" a biker? If you only ride your motorcycle on the weekend, but not during the week when you take your car/truck to work, are you not a "real" biker? Oh there are so many "fake" bikers out there, because they don't fit my definition of what a real biker is. Etc.
This is in NO way a slam against anything posted here (like I said, there is a lot of good information based on people's views), but the similarity just struck me as I was reading it all.
To answer the original question, no, it is not. I am also a romantic. I am also a "cowboy". I am also a lot of other things. I do not put the role as my identity, nor is it what people would notice when they meet me or see me interacting with others. I don't wear it on my sleeve or as a fashion for the world to identify me with. Does that make me a fake? Does that make me less or more? I guess each is to decide that for themselves.
I find myself having to say " I am not THAT kind of (whatever)" many times in life. It does not mean IMO that I am not (whatever), but simply not what one person or another THINKS (whatever) is supposed to be, or is by default.
Of course not, we are all complex lives, we all have other interests, I am a writer, a parent, and have many other interests, being Dom is just one aspect of who I am
GODAMMIT! all these professionals, yet no one can still say if its spelled correctly! I'm having an aneurysm , thanks.
Bad, bad subs!! check your spelling so I can sleep!
OK...bonus question: Does the rules a dom may make for their sub apply to them as well? Like for instance, if it's an online relationship and a sub isn't allowed to private chat or have hot steamy pretend sex with other people, does this mean that the dom will also refrain from private chatting and having hot steamy pretend sex with other people? How does one go about setting these type of rules? Can the sub also have their own list of rules/demands and behaviors they may deem unacceptable for their dom? And what are the consequences of a dom violating these rules (if they exist) other than the sub leaving them?
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As Ravyn pointed out each relationship is different. Each should express their wants and desires. This isn't a dictatorship (well depending on what type of relationship you want). A true Dom/me won't run around and do things cause they can they have a need and want to please their submissive and any that says "cause i can" is full of something.
If it's agreed that B/both will be strictly with each other then if one strays that is cheating as in any other relationship. Once trust is lost then it's hard to get it back and most fail in the end after it's lost. This lifestyle isn't a cookie cutter mold it's about talking and finding out what both parties want and need from it. Can't ever stress the importance of Communication. It's talked about more in the lifestyle then most i've seen and it's shame as many relationships might survive if people did communicate better.
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
