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I really want my husband to........

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luvkitten69
Rookie Scribe
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.....be my master. I'm very interested in the BDSM lifestyle but I do not know how to approach my husband with this or how to convince him to give it a try. Suggestions?
Sensei
Active Ink Slinger
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First and foremost, I would suggest talking with him about it. Relationships that involve power exchange must start with a strong foundation of open communication.

Apart from that, it rather depends on whether you want to have bedroom scenes where you submit to him, or whether you're trying to start a full time D/s relationship. If you're trying for a D/s relationship, you can prime the pump, so to speak, by acting the part now. Try to make him and his happiness your first priority. Try and anticipate his needs and fulfill them without his asking. Be his "girl friday," so to speak. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if that sort of thing doesn't sound fulfilling to you (that is, if you don't anticipate feeling pride and fulfillment at serving him), then you might not really be looking for a D/s relationship of that sort.

In the end, the best approach would be to talk to him, but failing that, if you'd be more specific about the sort of relationship you're after, we might be able to give more concrete advice.
My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
TxPrincess
The Resident Princess
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in my experience is very limited. We have role played this and it was something that i really wanted so in a dark room (i get shy easily and don't like to talk about what i want) after sex. I said "I want you to be my master and I be your pet all the time even not in bed." That was 3 weeks ago and he is very slow come to do what I want, but he is getting there slowly. But to be honest that is probably best, he is trying to make sure that I really want it.

Sensei is correct the best approach is to talk to him.

He wont know what you want until you tell him what you want and he understand what it means.
DLizze
Active Ink Slinger
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Three words: communication, communication, communication.

First, be comfortable in who you are, then, in a positive way, tell him exactly what you want. Do not use euphemisms; do not do this while cuddling after sex and he is falling asleep. If you have chidren in the house, it probably shouldn't come up at the dinner table, but if it is just the two of you, that might be the best time and place for the conversation. You will have his undivided attention, and you will both be amazed what having an open and honest conversation about sexual matters will do for your life together, overall.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
doctorlove
Active Ink Slinger
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C O M M U N I C A T I O N! All every husband wants is for theirs wife to open up and talk, especially when it comes to sex!
Guest
Lurker
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Luvkitten,
First let's get a little terminology straightened out. What you are looking for if it's a lifestyle thing is called D/s. If it's just bedroom games it's BDSM. Think of it like this, your marriage is the D/s, what you do in the bedroom is BDSM. You stay married, but you don't stay in your bedroom. OK?

Now then I have to agree with the other posters here - communication is the starting point. Along with talking about it, maybe the two of you ought to go to some BDSM and D/s websites and look around at what they say. You may be able to talk more about what you like and dislike and reach a mutual agreement that way once you both see things for yourself.

Trust is another very important element in D/s. The submissive has to trust her Dom to treat her safely and not overrun her boundaries. The Dom has to trust the submissive to not do what they aren't ready for yet just becasue they "want to be brave".

If you decide to get into this, the two of you need to sit down and discuss, barter, debate what you will be doing and how you will be doing it. Go over everything you can think of and when you have covered everything, write it down. Then play withing those boundaries.
luvkitten69
Rookie Scribe
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Thanks for the insight everyone. And what I was looking for was more the lifestyle than just the bedroom. I assumed communication would be a given; however, he is not the easiest person to talk to. Even still it is hard to know when to communicate with him and how to approach a subject of this magnitude.
Sensei
Active Ink Slinger
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I am one of those guys who is guilty of being difficult to talk to, so I know what you mean.

This is going to sound like it's a bit out of left field, but not too long ago I read the famous "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book. I had always pooh-poohed it as just so much pop culture relationship-babble, but it really, really does ring true. If you haven't read it, it may help you communicate better with him.

There is a bit of a fine line to draw. To some extent, as a submissive in a D/s relationship, you should sublimate your own self to be more of what your master desires you to be. But at the same time, no true dom wants a sub who is a complete cipher devoid of any personality. But as I said before, you can start walking that line even without your husband knowing you are doing it.
My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
PhareDuFour
Advanced Wordsmith
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I hate to burst your bubble. But this fails most of the time, because of rules of the dynamics. The "naughty girl" with the "vanilla boyfriend" is often too weak of a constellation. I'm sure that you could Google a number of sites with wives/girls who blog about getting their reluctant husbands or boyfriends involved, and there are very few success stories.

However, if you want to try, there are some helpful articles on this subject if you Google "The Submissive Guide".

The reason for this, is that it's unsually the dominate partner that has to initiate this. If the submissive partner initiates it, you will usually wind up "topping from bottom" in order to get him involved at all, and that will only create "marginal" results.

For the most part, you will have 4 options:

a) You can spice up your relationship with a "vanilla" kind of kinky (e.g. sex in handcuffs without the D/s), and if this works, you can encourage your husband to develop his Dominant skills

b) You will have to learn to top or dominate him (unless he's naturally dominant and has a horror about being submissive - then it won't work). This is NOT recommended if you are naturally submissive.

c) You will have to find a Dominant outside of your marriage to satisfy your needs if your husband rejects it and labels it "perverse" or "psychotic".

d) You will have to accept that your BDSM desires are just a fantasy you will never experience.
Si vos postulo me, sed non vis me, oportet me manere.
Sed si vis me, sed non vos postulo me, oportet me abire.
Jack_42
Active Ink Slinger
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I wonder if the current trend for this sort of fascist sexuality as say in the horendously written Shades Of Grey is due to the economic times we live in whereby right wing politics come to the fore in times of depression.
Ravyn
Cock Connoisseur
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Quote by Jack_42
I wonder if the current trend for this sort of fascist sexuality as say in the horendously written Shades Of Grey is due to the economic times we live in whereby right wing politics come to the fore in times of depression.


Seriously? Fascist sexuality.......It is far from that. You should educate yourself some before making such statements. There are many things you can read to do just that. As its been said a million times before 50 Shades of Grey is not a BDSM bible of any kind it is merely a STORY for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. This community is vast and most will be willing to answer any questions you or anyone might have. But first please, come into this without judgment of others who are into the lifestyle.
Sensei
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Jack_42
I wonder if the current trend for this sort of fascist sexuality as say in the horendously written Shades Of Grey is due to the economic times we live in whereby right wing politics come to the fore in times of depression.


See, now it's attitudes like this that makes us BDSM folks feel like the X men.
My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
Jack_42
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Ravyn


Seriously? Fascist sexuality.......It is far from that. You should educate yourself some before making such statements. There are many things you can read to do just that. As its been said a million times before 50 Shades of Grey is not a BDSM bible of any kind it is merely a STORY for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. This community is vast and most will be willing to answer any questions you or anyone might have. But first please, come into this without judgment of others who are into the lifestyle.


OK educate me; explain the joys of domination or being dominated. To me it looks like some sort of ego trip to compensate for a complex of some sort I don't really have anything against it except to feel it's sort of pathetic and very English public school influenced. smile
PhareDuFour
Advanced Wordsmith
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Quote by Jack_42
I wonder if the current trend for this sort of fascist sexuality as say in the horendously written Shades Of Grey is due to the economic times we live in whereby right wing politics come to the fore in times of depression.


Appearances deceive my dear Bohemian gentleman.

Strange that you attribute to this form of sexual practice to your neighbours to the West (and South), when it has been practiced for centuries the world over, and is still practiced the world over today. I wouldn't exactly define patriarchy as "fascistic sexuality", and were you to be so indiscrete and mention this in the company of D/s couples of the Jewish faith, this could very well be misconstrued as blatantly offensive.

Could it be you have simply glossed over the black and white photographs and passed judgement without ever offering it further investigation?

If so, may I kindly direct you to the website:

www(dot)seekers(dot)org(dot)uk

There you will receive more objective views of what is generally know as the “Lifestyle”, completely uncoloured by the universal opinion of the KSČ.
Si vos postulo me, sed non vis me, oportet me manere.
Sed si vis me, sed non vos postulo me, oportet me abire.
freakycactus
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Jack_42


OK educate me; explain the joys of domination or being dominated. To me it looks like some sort of ego trip to compensate for a complex of some sort I don't really have anything against it except to feel it's sort of pathetic and very English public school influenced. smile


Try the BDSM 101 sticky thread in this section of the forum. There's lots of information there for you to read through.

I could explain the joys of being dominated, but so many others can do it more eloquently than I. There are plenty of stories on this site to give an insight into the lifestyle, plenty of threads on the forum discussing it and there are lots of websites with plenty of information.
Jack_42
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by freakycactus


Try the BDSM 101 sticky thread in this section of the forum. There's lots of information there for you to read through.

[I could explain the joys of being dominated, but so many others can do it more eloquently than I. There are plenty of stories on this site to give an insight into the lifestyle, plenty of threads on the forum discussing it and there are lots of websites with plenty of information.
]

Give it a go old bean.
Sensei
Active Ink Slinger
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What does a concert violinist get out of playing?

He certainly gets some amount of physical exercise. Holding that posture is certainly not an easy thing.

There's the music, certainly, but the music doesn't come from the violinist directly - it comes from the violin.

The violinist derives fulfillment from the process of creating the music, and from the beauty that his exertion coaxes out of the instrument.

My own feeling, as a dominant, is that the control I exercise over my submissive is the same control that the violinist has over his violin. And the result of my exercise of that control is the pleasure I bring out of her.

This may, in fact, completely fail to resonate with you. And that's ok. I don't like mushrooms. I shake my head and chuckle at people eating them sometimes. But I draw the line at telling them that they should stop eating those disgusting things, because clearly my opinion on the subject differs from theirs.
My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
Guest
Lurker
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Very eloquently put Sensei and I agree with you on all points!

As for Myself, I am not on any ego trip. I say that because I put My submissive in a more important role than I. I am merely the one steering the vehicle, she is the engine making it go. Without My submissive(s), I am nothing but another man in the crowd. What sets Me apart from everyone else on these forums that I am a Master and I am a Master because of them. I give all My credit to their gift of submission.

As for those who would think Me some sort of primitive Neanderthal, well you are entitled to your opinions. But I would ask that you do a little research and find out what D/s is all about before you jump on the male-chauvinist bandwagon. Anyone who knows anything about the true meanings behind D/s knows this is simply not true. You see, D/s has nothing to do with ropes, with paddles, or with demeaning another human being. D/s is about one person leading and one following. That doesn't mean one is superior to another, it means that Me and My subs have learned that if we pull in the same direction we go further, faster, and easier than if we work against each other - a fact that many married couples have yet to figure out.

People tend to judge that which they do not understand. I get that. But maybe instead of criticizing something simply because you don't undertand it, you took a little time to ask questions and learn something about D/s, you may just find it wasn't what your first impression of it was. And after you do learn something about it, you still don't agree, well then move one to something you do like. If you don't like horror movies, you don't go see one, do you? And if you hate the taste of spinach, you don't eat it do you? But does that mean we should completely ban horror movies or spinach?
Sensei
Active Ink Slinger
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As for the male chauvinist thing... don't forget, there are a lot of mistresses out there that possess gentlemen of their own. D/s is practiced by any number and variety of gender combinations.
My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
Jack_42
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by PhareDuFour


Appearances deceive my dear Bohemian gentleman.

Strange that you attribute to this form of sexual practice to your neighbours to the West (and South), when it has been practiced for centuries the world over, and is still practiced the world over today. I wouldn't exactly define patriarchy as "fascistic sexuality", and were you to be so indiscrete and mention this in the company of D/s couples of the Jewish faith, this could very well be misconstrued as blatantly offensive.

Could it be you have simply glossed over the black and white photographs and passed judgement without ever offering it further investigation?

If so, may I kindly direct you to the website:

www(dot)seekers(dot)org(dot)uk

There you will receive more objective views of what is generally know as the “Lifestyle”, completely uncoloured by the universal opinion of the KSČ.



Not sure what you mean by Bohemian and I'm definitely no gentleman - my own lifestyle may be considered to be that or did you mean location? As for this question lets just leave it nobody has really answered my question yet and probably never will and it's obviously beyond my philistine self - not appreciating collars and chains etc. There again according to the shrinks the biggest turn on is death and I would shy away from that too.
freakycactus
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by BDSM 101 MistressS
This thread is for people new to this lifestyle, those who just want to learn more about it and, hopefully, help those who have the wrong view of it to understand better.

I welcome any dom/mes and subs to give their own views on things as well, and also for anyone to ask any questions you may have, I or another member will try to answer them.

To begin with, I'll try to dispel some wrong views people have about BDSM.

1. Being part of BDSM is not a mental problem, it is a lifestyle choice that people enjoy and does NOT mean there is anything wrong with them.

2. A very important point is everything done in BDSM should be safe and consensual. Anyone involved must be aware and agree to what they want to happen and must be safe about how they go about it.

3. It is not only about pain, the letters stand for (Bondage and Discipline) (Domination and Submission) (Sadism) and (Masochism), while some may enjoy pain, this is only part of BDSM and is not done by all, from most I know, those that do enjoy pleasure through pain is actually the minority of the group.

3.1. I should add here, pain may be used as part of punishments if a sub breaks their rules, a Dom/me will usually not enjoy having to really punish their sub, but it is necessary, but is NOT the only thing the relationship is about.

4. ALWAYS respect and abide by the rules given to a sub by their Dom/me, NEVER ask them to break these rules, and especially NEVER ask them to leave their Dom/me, that is just wrong and if you do, the Dom/me is perfectly in their right to warn you off and tell their sub to never speak to you again, and will likely give your name to other Dom/mes and subs to warn them as well, we in the lifestyle look out for each other.

5. Unless a sub is your sub, or you have express permission from the sub if they are unowned or a subs Dom/me if they are, you should NEVER try to dominate or try to play with them, it will not be received well. And if a sub is owned it is best not to ask their Dom/me to 'borrow' them as it were, almost every Dom/me will say no and may take offence.


BDSM 101 Thread - link

If you take the time to look, you'll find your answers.
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by Jack_42


OK educate me; explain the joys of domination or being dominated. To me it looks like some sort of ego trip to compensate for a complex of some sort I don't really have anything against it except to feel it's sort of pathetic and very English public school influenced. smile


Some education for you: There are physical joys just as much as mental/emotional joys on both sides of D/s relationships. There's a great amount of trust between a Dominant and their submissive. You have to look at the point of view from both the Dominant and the submissive.

It might be difficult to understand but, the submissive does have a great amount of power in the relationship, just as the Dominant does. Their submission is a gift to their Dominant, and not one to be taken lightly.

For me, being dominated sets my soul free. Maybe it's the rush of adrenaline and endorphins I get when I talk to my Master. He makes me laugh and smile, and he doesn't judge me when I be myself. He accepts me for who I am. He gives comfort and support when I'm not my usual self. He helps me sort out my problems and the drastic mood changes I go through every day.

As for the physical side, well, being teased and played with until you're on the brink of an orgasm, then having to hold it, let it slightly subside, then being brought right back up to that brink, over and over again, letting it build up until you can't control it anymore and it bursts out of you, giving you the best orgasm of your life. Maybe that's not appealing to some people?

As for the collars and chains, consider this: A collar is a physical manifestation of the bond between a Dom and a sub. Just as a wedding ring is for husband and wife. The chains and cuffs symbolize the emotional impact shared between the two. Their pleasure being emotionally and physically connected at the same time.

Now whips, crops, blindfolds, toys and such, those are just devices used to heighten the pleasure of the one receiving. Being blindfolded, taking away your sight, it enhances your other senses, and every move that the Dom makes is a surprise, causing a rush of pleasure to tingle down your spine. Every touch, every kiss or nibble, one surprise after another, heightening the amount of pleasure, slowly building to the eventual powerful orgasm.


As for the pleasure in dominating someone, maybe it makes them happy to give someone such pleasure. They, themselves, consider their subs submission a gift. Wouldn't it make you happy knowing that you're the source of your lovers pleasure, both physical and emotional? Caring for someone who gives their trust to you, providing them with love and devotion that they need, some people are happy doing that.

If you feel that all of that is pathetic, then maybe you should rethink your values and priorities in your own relationships.
luvkitten69
Rookie Scribe
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Thanks guys....... and btw I am NOT a fan of 50 Shades so the fantasy def never came from the book
adennisub
Rookie Scribe
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I really want my husband to...be more into the dom/sub lifestyle and want to take me as his sub.
Ravyn
Cock Connoisseur
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Quote by adennisub
I really want my husband to...be more into the dom/sub lifestyle and want to take me as his sub.


Then you need to sit down and talk to him about this. We can't really do much to help you it has to be between you and him. If he is interested then you can pose your questions to the BDSM community for some advice. But until you sit him down and tell him how you feel about a D/s relationship you can't really proceed.

Good luck to you
MrLosAngeles
Active Ink Slinger
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I sense a lot of confusion going on. I look at it this way: Kinky includes generally non-vanilla sexual behavior/acts usually restricted to the "bedroom" (i.e. just sex). D/s is a relationship in which one is dominant and the other submissive. BDSM is an umbrella term including but not limited to Bondage/Discipline/Domination/Submission/Sadism/Masochism and/or S/m, Slave-Master.

Kinky is fun and games, toys, "accoutrements", role-play, etc.

D/s is a lifestyle choice which brings together a person whose personality is naturally dominating/leading and another person whose personality is submissive/yielding. This is also sometimes described as Top and Bottom.

In my opinion, it is unlikely that someone with a submissive personality can naturally "become" a top or dominant; vice versa for a dominant personality to be submissive. There is also the "category" of a switch, someone who can be either top or bottom/dominant or submissive.

Generally speaking, I think most people are "content" with kinky and switching.

If you want your husband/wife to be more Top or Bottom, that is more "assertive" or initiating sex - or more yielding, accepting, then you have to live and behave in ways that allow them to be that way. You can't really say, "I want you to be more passionate, hardline, aggressive sexually" and then turn around and keep telling them "Not now!" "I don't feel like it" etc. without turning them right off again. Unfortunately, a LOT of people act out as passive-aggressives. The old "C'mere, c'mere" "Go 'way, go 'way" and then wonder why their sex lives are messed up.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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my advice. don't go from one extreme to the next. talk to him about Role play first. don't just think you can go from being a 'normal' couple into having a 24/7 D/s relationship. when my wife and i got together (almost exactly 5 years ago) the bdsm was a large part of our bed room play. we had 'date nights' usually twice a week when the full on hard core kink came out and the rest of the time it was what i would call soft D/s: she is naturally Dominant, and i am a natural submissive - most of our daily life reflects that. that said, i do not refer to her as my Mistress (although i DO refer to her as Ms Kate depending on the situation), neither of us considers me a slave, although i can be pet, once again, mood and situation. sex is sometimes full of cuffs and crops and clamps and rope, and sometimes it's just two girls making love and usually, it's somewhere in the middle of all that.

while i respect people who have chosen to live it as a lifestyle 24/7 i could not do that, not would my wife wish to. we still have date nights, tho, and we still have a toy drawer filled with bdsm toys that get regular use. i think that, you'd be best served by doing just that - have a date night, if it goes well, if you're both into it, make it a regular thing, at least for now. smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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ps: think of your husband, too. in a standard D/s relationship, the onus of the 'work' is on the Dom(me). if they are not truly committed, it will be no fun for them, mostly they will resent being forced to play that role.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

MrLosAngeles
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by sprite
my advice. don't go from one extreme to the next. talk to him about Role play first. don't just think you can go from being a 'normal' couple into having a 24/7 D/s relationship. when my wife and i got together (almost exactly 5 years ago) the bdsm was a large part of our bed room play. we had 'date nights' usually twice a week when the full on hard core kink came out and the rest of the time it was what i would call soft D/s: she is naturally Dominant, and i am a natural submissive - most of our daily life reflects that. that said, i do not refer to her as my Mistress (although i DO refer to her as Ms Kate depending on the situation), neither of us considers me a slave, although i can be pet, once again, mood and situation. sex is sometimes full of cuffs and crops and clamps and rope, and sometimes it's just two girls making love and usually, it's somewhere in the middle of all that.

while i respect people who have chosen to live it as a lifestyle 24/7 i could not do that, not would my wife wish to. we still have date nights, tho, and we still have a toy drawer filled with bdsm toys that get regular use. i think that, you'd be best served by doing just that - have a date night, if it goes well, if you're both into it, make it a regular thing, at least for now. smile


Very well said and damn good advice!
Guest
Lurker
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pack his bag and get out