Just a thought. I find myself talking to either my dog or my cat like they're a person, and it got me thinking. If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?
To my dog:
1. Chew your food. Nothing interesting is happening around you anyways, you're not gonna miss anything.
2. You'll never catch that squirrel.
3. Please pick out one part of the yard and poop there. This isn't Iraq, my backyard shouldn't be a minefield.
4. After I bathe you, please at least wait until I can't see you before going off to roll around in the dirt.
To my cat:
1. 3am isn't the time for you to crawl up next to me and start your 30 minute grooming session. You have all day to do that.
2. The vacuum cleaner is not concentrated evil. It will not hurt you.
3. Please, hack up that hairball on the tile floor for once.
4. Not every can of food I open has your name on it.
Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.
"I find that a duck's opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread". - Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dog I would say, "Bite the neighbor that wears the Georgia Tech hat!"
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
This post/thread is GREAT!!
My 9-month old puppies apparently already understand English.
The other day they started barking at someone crossing the street (they are very protective little fur balls), and they would not stop barking. This went on for at least ten minutes. I had to use the threat of bedtime on them. The minute I asked them if they wanted to go night-night, they came in, laid down, shut up and were silent the rest of the evening.
It was pretty awesome.
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I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel...
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my cats do understand English. they ignore it, but they understand it.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
calm down
stop barking
stop sniffing everything, you have no pee left!
I think everyone's pet understand a language to a certain extent, but it would
be nice to know without a doubt they understand everything you are saying.
No pets currently, but if I still had my dog:
1. Stop being a spoiled brat
2. Stop stealing my pants from my laundry
3. No matter how hard you try, you are NOT human
4. I'm taking you for a walk, not the other way around
5. Stop sitting on my foot; sit on the floor like a proper dog
6. You DO have a small-dog inferiority complex
To my hamster:
I am not a toilet, so your little puddles annoy me a wee bit (ha) and your little parcels...just don't. I know you know what you're doing, you look up at me innocently as you do it...
You aren't a monkey but you act like a cheeky one.
You do think you're human don't you? Stop jumping on my biscuits.
Your teeth hurt when you bite, nibbling is allowed, biting not so. You have your own food.
You love music don't you, your ears prick up when you hear it.
Do not attack Sammy, she is Ians hamster not mine, but she likes me too. Clawing her will not help.
Nestling inbetween my breasts is okay, just don't claw me when you're getting out of there, give me a little nudge warning if you must and no matter how odd it'll look, I'll get you out.
But most of all, know that even though you may not like the unkum (ointment in Sarah speak) that I have to put in your eyes, I do it because I love you and I know they hurt you. Please don't scratch it back out.
Insert something witty here.
No, my socks are not food.
Yes, eating all that without chewing will make it more painful when it's gonna come out.
Don't wipe your arse on the carpet!
You can't dig a hole through the carpet!
It's not enough to brush away some snow, drop the bone there and brush snow over it again. That doesn't count as burying food.
Yes, I am making food, no it's not for you.
Yes, overprotective sheep with lambs will charge on you if they consider you a threat they can take on.
And to the mice crawling around:
I give you cunts 24 hours to stop scratching and running around in the house before I start going USA on your arse and putting up traps and getting a cat, and believe me; if I get a cat like my old one you'd rather be queing up for the traps!
To my dog: Please just tell me when you have to go pee and stop eating everything i leave at your level
also whats your obsession with the toes of my socks and licking me when i get out of the shower both are creepy
To my dog:
What is it like to lick your balls?
What do you do on your day off....lay around and nap?
What does fur taste like?
What the fuck are you smelling in the air all the time?
They say you have this ultra sensative nose...so why the fuck do you stick it in another dogs ass when you meet?
Do you know how much pussy I would lick if I had your tongue...and I'm not talking "Friskie the cat"
To my doggie-pie:
Oh, Chops, I love you, but quit slobbering, it's grim trying to clean it up.
You are actually insane.
Why are you afraid of the rain? It's only wet!
Stop standing in front of the TV.
Stop lying right next to my subwoofer, it's not another dog you know!
Though I do say those things to my dog on a regular basis, he just looks at me with an idiotic grin, licking his pendulous chops as if he wants something but not even hinting at what it is he wants. Instead you've gotta coax it out of the mutt and when you eventually ask the right question, he burls around as if to say yes, I think I'd ask him why, but I'd be afraid he'd stop doing that and I'd be deprived of a laugh.
i would say to bruiser. (my dog. i call him that not because he is wild but because he is a little jack russel terrier that seems to get hurt alot.)
you know that you shouldn't climb on that. last time you fell off and hurt youself.
when you go outside to pee why dont you go number two at the same time instead of doing it on the kitchen floor.
how come you are happy to eat your normal dog food everyday but when i make meatball suddenly dogfood is no good for you.
please stop scraping your butt along the carpet. no its not cute.
5:30am is not a good time to go for a walk.
whaen i bath you please dont splash all over the place. it looks like ive been throwing buckets of water at the walls.
stop chasing the five year old kid from next door. i know he's scared of you but you don't need to make it worse.
My dog -
Thanks so much for being so excited every time I walk in the door, even if I've been gone only 10 seconds.
I love you for being you.
I'm amazingly proud of the way you protect our home and everyone in it, love your bark and low growl when someone is coming to the door.
I wish you could talk back to me so I could completely understand all the faces you make.
I wish you would grow as old as me and live by human years not dog years...because I will never have enough time with you...
My cats understand English very well but they choose not to listen most of the time.
Im not sure that my dog even understands dog! LOL
not sure nikki usually just points. oh wow, totally misread the question, thought you asked what would the pet understand, heehee
I would tell my cats how much they mean to me and thank them for their love. Most importantly never ever get near the road (driveway) My $&@$$ neighbor I suspect hit him on purpose. Grrrrrrr.
I don't need to think about, she says it all for this cat & dog owner. 
), he knows to go away when asked, to go and lie down, that it's 'bedtime'. He's one of those dogs that cocks his head at EVERYthing you say, sometimes I think he must understand more than he lets on - scary!
