Hi everyone,
I'm new to writing and I submitted a story for the first time last week.
I would be very grateful for feedback and tips for improving, like was there enough sex, was there too much build up etc, as I have lots more experiences with my wife I'd like to share.
Thanks
Bob
I agree with FtLMale, in that I'd like to see more dialogue, and I would have tried to think of a shorter title. I tend to like titles that hint to the story. In this case, I might have titled it Sarah: A Nice Girl, or perhaps just Nice Girl
I also think had I been writing this, the "real me" would have asked her not to fuck the roomie. That, of course would have shown to her that, his protestations notwithstanding, he really DOES want a relationship. I guess what I am looking for is more emphasis on the emotional side, and the approach/avoidance agnst we all feel when entering into a new possible reltionship.
I really liked her initial reaction, thinking he had misread her, and her anger. I thought that was well done, and a good touch of realism. So on the question of when to introduce the idea to Sarah that she is not kinky enough, I disagree with FtLMale. I think it is better to have the desire for a "not nice" girl occur later in the story - otherwise, there'd be no reason for her surprise and anger.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
I agree with DLizze, the "Real Me" would have stopped her short of sex with others, but thats just because DLizze and I are jealous bastards ;)
And so in the end, the writer makes the decisions. Ten different writers could observe the same event, pen it, and their stories would each be different.
DLizze, you are much more open about your inner feelings than most of us are able to be. I hide behind my Doppelgänger.
To mangle a quote, 'twas not ever thus. It took me many years and four ruined relationships to come to grips with accepting my feelings, giving them the validity they deserve, and expressing them to others. Because I have learned to do that, I am more attuned to the feelings of others. I now like myself much better than I used to.
I like to say humorously, "I lived through the ninties, and found the woman in me. She is a lesbian," but that really falls into the category of "true words oft spoken in jest".
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Thanks for the feedback guys and thanks for the honesty.
I'll keep them in mind when I come to writing my next one.
Bob
