Not being too big headed, i have gotten asked out quite a bit in the 2 years that i've been single, but just havent felt that spark with any of them that makes me want to take that relationship risk (the risk where you invest all your time and emotions into it only to be shat on eventually, that kinda thing). Some are a definate no, some i get on with well enough but again no earth shattering, fireworks in your head spark, although i guess that could come with time.
Cos of this, ive been told by some that im just too picky and should give some a chance. I wouldnt say im picky in terms of looks, more to do with mutual interests/hobbies and compatability. Also im just petrified of getting my heart broken again.
So im wondering in what ways in general do you think a person can be too picky when deciding whether or not to go out with someone?
I actually don't think most people are picky enough.
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've been called too picky many times as well, but quite honestly when you look at the trends to relationship disasters, broken marriages and cheating, I think people are too quick to settle or buy into the whole "you're nobody until you're part of a couple" mentality. Plus a lot of people don't feel comfortable being "alone", so they have their token boyfriend or girlfriend until something better comes along and then jump ship or start cheating.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal. I actually wish more people were like this. It would probably cut down on a lot of divorces and broken hearts along the way.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you. I used to give guys a second date sometimes "just to make sure" I wasn't into them but there hasn't been a single time that I can think of where that second date made me like a guy anymore than I did after the first one.
I think Doll has said it all...
Meanwhile, there's always Lelo...
You're too picky only if you die alone. 2 years is nothing. It took me about 10 years of pickiness to finally find what I had almost given up hope on. Being selective is worth it, I believe.
Interesting Question....
First of all, I'd agree with with what Dancing Doll has to say.
Secondly, I think it's true that you know in the SECONDS you first meet someone if there's a connection, if it's someone who physically, intellectually and /or in terms of personality just intrigues you... The reverse is also true, in that you can tell within seconds if this person is NOT going to be a romantic interest...
There's nothing worse that hanging on to a relationship that you just know doesn't feel right because you don't want to be alone. (Except perhaps when YOU think it's workable and THEY don't!!!!)
I've been hurt a few times and I've also had to leave relationships that were okay in a lot of ways but I just knew weren't right. It really doesn't pay to compare past companions to current ones ('cos every one is different...) except that if you've known true love/compatibility/comfort around each other it's not fair on either party to settle for less.
xx SF
Using the expression picky in my opinion implies some sort of standard that someone has determined - a sort of emotional template and someone has to fit into it to be acceptable. I don't agree with having a relationship just for the sake of it and obviously if someone turns you off then it would be stupid to keep meeting them. What I'm trying to say is it's practically indefinable as to what promotes the spark of attraction (I can only speak for myself) - I mean I don't even prefer women with some particular feature like redhead, blonde etc. There are just too many factors to consider and a lot of them must be subliminal an old George Gershwin song comes to mind "the way you wear your hat the way you sip your tea". I think you just have to go with the flow - suck it and see - take a chance there are no guarantees and a predetermined formula will never be perfect.
The most important thing is to trust your instincts. Ignore what your friends say and trust your own judgement. If you've chatted to someone enough to find out about their interests, then you should have an idea of whether or not something is there. Even if it's just a flicker of something, or they intrigue you in some way.
I've just let my friends convince me to give someone I don't feel a connection with 'another chance', I did, and now I know to ignore them in the future.
A strong connection is rare, but it's worth waiting for.
Thanks everyone, i'll just have to ignore my mums comments then! Its only cos she wants grandchildren soon!
Also i can think of one guy i wouldnt mind giving another chance, will just have to see what happens when i see him
Grandchildren! You're only 21 - she can wait ;)
You're only picky if you have an impossible ideal of a partner that no one can live up to - and I don't imagine that's the case at all.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber I dont think there is such a thing as being picky, you like who you like simple as that. You cant force yourself to find somebody attractive, thats never gonna work.
You have to have a certain pyhsical attraction to be drawn to that other person anyway so once you get past that first hurdle my advice would be to have a little give and take. You're being too picky when that other person doesn't have a good enough job or drive a nicer car or you hate the fact he likes football when you hate it. Give and take all the way.
You still have to have that first bit of sexual attraction though imo.
Sounds like your looking for the next "big" relationship. There's a lot to ne said for the little relationships that fall in between. There is a huge world of learning experiences that you may shut out.
I probably can't offer sound advice. I personally adore being single but realize the possibility of that haunting me later in life. Meanwhile I have less than zero interest in settling down. And being picky cannot be overvalued in my opinion. Not in a shallow way, but in a realistic and meaningful way. I've heard that the happiest marriages are between partners who have a difference of 5 IQ points or less, and that makes sense to me. If, in a similar manner, you take several more aspects into consideration than IQ, that narrows down the possibilities quite a bit. My current idea is that you will be so much happier with yourself than most other people. If you find someone who meets all the qualifying criteria, then yay. If not, congrats on dodging a billion bad bullets.
Don't be picky, just pick me!!! LMAO
Be picky as much as you want, nothing worse than "settling"!!!
My second wife and were together for eighteen years, the last five years of which we spent "walking around each other's bubble" because we really couldn't stand being in the same house together. It was all because when we met, we were both newly divorced, and afraid of being too picky. So, in essence, we both settled, and ultimately, we hurt each other and ourselves. Now, more than ten years since our divorce, we are friends, and can discuss the mistakes we made. But we just happen to be lucky that way. more often, when those kinds of marriages end, there is too much anger, hurt and resentment. "...You just kinda wasted my precious time. Don't think twice; it's all right." Those last five years, Bob Dylan's song, Don't Think Twice, was a constant refrain in my head. Don't let yourself fall into that trap. Life isn't too short, but it isn't long enough for that.
So, in a word, no, there is no such thing as "too picky"; you know what you want, and when that person comes along, you will know it. If there is no electricity, don't try to chase it.
OH, and for those of you who think sex is the touchstone or checkpoint - I'm here to tell you it ain't so. The first ten years we were together, sex was so good for both of us our ears damn near fell off.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
yes, be picky as it is supposed to be for the rest of your life...think twice, maybe think 3 or 4 times before you settle in...
doing my best to be good..
If you try to force something to be what it isn't, then you'll end up disappointed when it turns out that it isn't what you imagined it to be. If there's no attraction at the start, the relationship probably isn't worth investing yourself in.
At the same time, though, if you have impossibly high expectations for the 'man of your dreams' to be perfect all the time - there's no Mr. Perfect. I've seen a lot of relationships burn out when the couple realize that the idealized versions of each other that they'd held in their minds don't match the real people in front of them. Unrealistically high expectations can be death in a relationship. So there's something to accepting people for who they are. Every one has flaws, it's just a matter of finding someone with flaws that you can live with, and who can live with your flaws, too.
I guess the third thing I've seen that's doom for a relationship is when partners are thinking about marriage potential on the first date. That's a lot of pressure to live up to. Instead, I think it's a better idea to just allow the relationship to develop as it will without having to plan out all these milestones that your mother or friends think you should be hitting. Instead, as a couple you should trust your own instincts and do what feels right for the both of you. It's your relationship, why let others define it for you?
So, what I'm saying is have a good time with whoever you can for as long as it's a good time, without any kind of goal in mind apart from enjoying each other, and then see where that leads. At least, that's what's worked for me and my wife.
Post-avant-retro-demelodicized-electro-yodel-core is my jam.
I'm very picky on physical criteria, but since I'm not looking for a love relationship with a guy, his relationship qualifications really don't matter much. For most of the past 15 years, I've been in emotional relationships with other girls, and sex with guys was just that - sex. Makes it much simpler with guys that way.
I was once not so picky as I am now. If I believed I was going to be satisfied - I picked him or her. I was never TOO picky.
I have found my group of FWB and we are more than happy to keep it in the family so to speak. Picky is now confined to one of the five other FWB.
It;s okay to be picky. But sometimes just try someone out that might be nice. Some people will definitely grow on you and only time will tell you whether they're worth it or not. Use your instincts.
