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Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 9:06:30 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 918,635
So I'm young but always tend to be in a relationship and as I look back at all of them I realize I always have a back up guy. Someone who will give me the time of day if I want something else. No sex or anything physical has ever happened with any back up guy only general flirting. Is this normal? What does it say about me and relationships? I love my bf and for the first time I didn't have any one for backup but just recently I met someone and already I can tell that's its the new backup boy. He's a friend so I don't wanna ignore him but should I just avoid the temption of a backup boy? And how to do I do that? I'm young! Flirting is just so natural and yes, fun! Please help!
Peace n love
Posted: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 3:19:39 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
1 at a time

less of course you look to be with zero guys...do you like to be played???

shows a lack of esteem if you do this...it is so ok to go solo....for a bit
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 5:02:49 AM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 8,309
Location: California
Of course it's normal. Girls love attention (guys too) but girls LOVE attention. The more guy "friends" girls have the more attention. And duh, the guy friends "understand" and "get" the girl better than the boyfriend cause they are still in the "agree with everything the girl says and laugh at every joke and tell her every thought is profound" stage. The boyfriend probably wants to treat her as an equal so he's not gonna just say yes to everything. Fights will happen so of course the girl needs to have her backup guys there cause after a fight with her boyfriend she'll need the ego boost, reassurance, distraction, attention etc.

It's normal.

Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 6:00:54 AM

Rank: The Linebacker

Joined: 3/2/2011
Posts: 12,672
Location: Atlanta
You must ask yourself how this 'back up guy' feels. How badly are you toying with his heart? That is if he has those kind of feelings for you. If he is just a friend then don't worry about that.

Another thing you might consider, though chances are probably low, but what if 'back up guy' is a bit psycho and starts to stalk you? I've had a stalker and that is a bad situation.

In my single days I was guilty of stringing along a 'back up girl' before. In retrospect I wish I had not done that.

Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 6:58:19 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 7,540
Location: Your dirty fantasy
Kiwi_C wrote:
What does it say about me and relationships?

It says that you are afraid of being single/alone and that none of the guys, whether they are the current BF or the Backup-Boys (ooh, new singing group name!) really and truly float your boat, but are mere fillers in your need for a boyfriend/affection/attention.

Now, having said all that - yeah, it's normal. A lot of people do it. They like knowing there are players with potential in the bullpen for when/if your main man strikes out. Keeping these guys in the reserves though means that you kind of know your guy will probably strike-out at some point - you're anticipating it. I notice you said that you love your current BF and 'for the first time' didn't have any back-up guys. You already equate 'real love' with not needing to be thinking ahead and keeping future love-interests on stand-by. But now a new guy has come into the picture, and he's probably happy to bide his time and wait for the inevitable break-up. Then when he's moved into the boyfriend position, you can bet he will be scowling when you mention two months later that you have this great new 'guy friend' that just started hanging out with your crew. He's going to know what's going on and that you regularly fish in your Friend Zone when things get tough.

You're young though... so I wouldn't worry about any of this. Date, fall in and out of love, hook-up with friends, have the backup guys in the reserves. It's all good. But try to enjoy being single in between relationships too. You can still casually have fun and date without needing to call it anything serious or committed. When you are really and truly into someone, you're not going to be thinking of the need for back-up guys. In the meantime, just have fun! :)

Posted: Thursday, May 24, 2012 2:45:23 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/14/2011
Posts: 387
Having a rebound means that you're not 100% committed to whomever your partner is. It means that you're always looking for something new, which is totally understandable given your age. I challenge you to ignore the back up, and really owe it to yourself to focus on your boyfriend and set all of your sights on this one man. You will see that it is so much more fulfilling to be dedicated. Plus break ups are sloppy and not so light on the rep, you don't want that track record.. they will happen more often than not if you're already setting your sights elsewhere. You don't want to look back on this time in your life and ask "shoulda, coulda, woulda..", you want to be able to look back with no regrets- regardless of the outcome because you'd be able to say that you gave it your all.

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Posted: Monday, June 04, 2012 11:39:51 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 123
Location: United States
Your question is well written and thought out. However, it may be the wrong question. As you admit, you are young, so the question should more likely be, why such a deep need for a relationship that one feels the need to not only be in one, but have a back-up plan for another? Take time to be by yourself and learn your self. Spend some time not having to compromise with a partner. Learn the joy of only answering to yourself, before involving another, or not. I've known a number of women, and guys, that, while in their teens, thought a commited relationship was the key to happiness. Most, at the very least, found themselves regretting compromises made and opportunities passed. Way too many were miserable by age 22. You can do better than that. Take time to get out and actually do some of the things you've dreamed of; the empowerment will be enlightening and intoxicating. Go for it!
Posted: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 6:48:47 AM

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Joined: 9/6/2011
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Location: the land of enchantment, United States
I guess yes...men sort of .. revolve. one goes another comes. im finding now that if one moves away a little i turn around and there is another standing there. its actually almost weird.

and i agree with Felix too...ive always had tons of guy friends and it really is because im an attention whore, i admit it :p ;)

littlemissbitch ~ professional face ripper offer, at your service..
Posted: Saturday, June 16, 2012 7:42:10 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/8/2011
Posts: 28
Location: On Your Dick
back up boys and boyfriends? i think you should pick which you would like to have...if you have friends while having a bf ...no prob..but dnt cross the line...if your all flirt and no strings attached then all well and good but pick one!
Posted: Tuesday, August 07, 2012 3:17:00 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/15/2012
Posts: 21
yes i do agree that it is find to have back up partner but he should be aware of it and should be in limit..
Posted: Saturday, August 11, 2012 8:07:30 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/1/2011
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Location: Northern California, United States
Is it really a back-up guy? Or just a guy that gives you the thrill of knowing he desires you? You know? The chase?

Like others have said, it seems like you enjoy the attention but more so, the true factor here I believe is that knowing you are able to flirt with this back-up guy and string him along so that you are the object of his desires, even though you claim to never have sex with them.

I believe you are using these guys as your ego boost and need to evaluate how you would feel if you were treated that way.
Otherwise, you are not giving all of yourself to the relationship with your BF and are not being honest with yourself!


Posted: Monday, September 03, 2012 8:26:03 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 918,635
double standard much anyone?
Posted: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 1:16:00 PM

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If it's okay for your boyfriend to always have a backup girl, then it's okay for you to always have a backup guy. The backups have a responsibility to look out for their own best interest, but if you're false to them, you'll deserve certain consequences.

My latest story is too hot to publish. My most recent story before that is Even Stranger In Lust
Posted: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 1:42:46 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 918,635
Having a back up send one big bad message to the guy. Either one of the guys. Do I want to know there's someone waiting in the wings or do I want to know I'm the second choice? Totally not cool
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