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Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2013 7:06:29 AM

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Joined: 10/1/2012
Posts: 73
Location: Southeastern, United States
We found that by differentiating between sex and love, we had both. We are totally committed to each other. Sex is not the all encompassing expression of love, it is often just sex. Only our commitment to one another does that. Commitment doesn't have to exclude all others sexually but we found that it makes casual sex kind of mundane.
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2013 10:08:07 PM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 7,625
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
biguy2play wrote:
I've always wondered how being bisexual was supposed to work with being monogamous. We found it works as a threesome or with her watching. My ex would never have understood.

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with monogamy. This is why people have the common misconception that bisexuality is your free pass to fuck any and everything you want. That is totally not the case. Sure, if you're in an open relationship, sleeping around would be fine. But being bisexual isn't just about the sex. The definition of monogamy is to stay committed to ONE individual. The sex of that individual is not the deciding factor. Bisexual people stay monogamous the same way heterosexual or homosexuals do. If you bring other people into your bedroom, then you are no longer monogamous. If you sleep with other people to satisfy a need, you are no longer monogamous. No matter how you spin it. No matter how much your partner approves it or allows it. No matter if they watch or participate. The moment a relationship is open to another, then it is no longer monogamous.

Bisexuality is not synonymous to fucking around. It just means you're attracted to both sexes, be it emotional, physical, or both. But it does not mean that you have to fuck both sexes simultaneously in order to be happy. Being bisexual and monogamous just means you've found someone you're attracted to, regardless of what is or isn't dangling between their legs, and you've decided to stay committed to them and only them. That's how monogamy works. Being bisexual doesn't redefine or change the rules of monogamy.

I'm here for a good time, not a long time.
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2013 11:27:28 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Well said slipperywhenwet
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2013 10:50:42 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Well, obviously trust is a crooked road with detours well marked but often unrepaired. If you make it an "issue" you're going to have to deal with potholes and unpaved paths. Whatever you make of it, be sensible and adult. Some people compartmentalize their trusting. "I trust them this much, but no more" or "I don't trust anyone" or "I trust this or that, but not something else". Here's what I believe. Trust yourself, trust your values and ethics. Trust what you KNOW you need. All else take with a grain of salt as the saying goes. You cannot -- with any degree of sanity -- and it sounds confusing -- trust the trust of anyone else. Are you inside their head? Can you be? It's like love, isn't it? If you make limitations on it, have expectations, believe it's a tit for tat thing, you're heading for a fall because you also can't be responsible for someone else's love(s). "Will you love me forever?" people ask. Impossible, in my belief. No one lives forever, so... And people grow and change. The same is true of trust, it grows, it changes.

If you are involved with a serial cheater and you love them...maybe you're unhappy with that part of them, but the rest is great. So what is your "love" asking of them? Fidelity? Is that what you're in love with or the human person? I loved a woman deeply in a relationship and found out she'd fucked every one of my good male friends. Did I stop loving her? No. Did it change the love and desire I had for her? No. Did I suddenly hate my friends? No. Were we still together? Yes. I tried to understand what she needed and wanted that I wasn't providing. And it was constancy. It was 24/7 be there ALL the time. I understood that. And I understood that her way of communicating was sex. She was actually fucking my friends to get closer to me and know me better through them. Interesting, isn't it? Did I still trust her? Of course I did. I trusted her to be herself. She understood I had to have time alone, my space, if you will, sometimes. Circumstances changed and she went away, but I still love her, too. And loved others since her. And trusted them to be themselves. Learn about the person you are offering trust to, accept they are who and what they are..and don' "expect" perfection before you trust.

Enough said.
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2013 12:42:41 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/6/2013
Posts: 84
Location: sucking your dick in the, United States
There is no trust
Posted: Monday, May 27, 2013 10:15:54 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 7:53:56 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/24/2010
Posts: 2,689
Location: Ohio
This is what makes Well Made Male a man.

He admits his mistakes, and says, what of it?

A true gentleman, in my opinion.


WellMadeMale wrote:

Yeah, what you said....

Getting back to the OP's question...

I've cheated on a woman ( when I was in a monogamous relationship with her ) - I didn't come back and then have sex with her again afterwards. I didn't apologize in hopes that I could salvage the relationship. I took the easy way out. I knew she probably couldn't trust me going forward and I wasn't going to continue being a major dickwad.

I've had a few women cheat on me (while 'we' were supposedly in monogamous relationships) and I was never able to trust any of those women again, so I either ended the relationship during the conversational confrontation - or, a few told me to pack sand and that we were fucking over - effectively dumping my ignorant ass on the curb - then & there. I probably deserved to be cheated on, to be honest.

No biggie. It happens.

I've also fucked women I knew were married and I knew they were cheating on their husbands. I fucked a few girls who were screwing around on their boyfriends too -

And I've been involved in long term relationships with women (and neither of us cheated on each other with someone else).


In the scenario posed by the OP - I don't think that once that page has been turned - either party can forget & forgive. There are reasons (or a good reason) why the physical cheating occurred to begin with...and just saying "I'm sorry, so sorry, please forgive me - isn't going to fix whatever was broken so badly that the cheating occurred.

So within a monogamous relationship - if trust breaking and emotional or physical cheating occurs... I think it's 'Stick a fork in it fucking doner then done'

Time to move on with each other's lives and find that person who won't cheat on you or you won't cheat on her/him. They are out there.

(incidentally - if you're screwing a woman or man who is already all hitched up to someone else - you are a fucking cheater, buddy...don't think you're not).
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2013 5:35:57 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 6/13/2013
Posts: 36
Location: United States
anonymouslylush wrote:
I think everyone is dffierent and how they internalize things. For me, I was always the girl that said "If a guy cheats on me, I am done. Screw him. I am going to toss his shit out." And then it happened. I was married and my husband had an affair. It broke my heart, but to me, marriage is forever. I tried to work it out with him, but both parties have to be willing to do the work to make things right. And you both have to be very honest with each other and more importantly, with yourself about why you cheated and what is going to cause you or prevent you from making the same mistake.

the heart wants who it wants ~~unknown~~
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2013 5:58:23 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Well, i always thought that if a guy cheated on me, that it would be done.... finished, i'd walk away with my head held high. In reality, my ex hubby did this to me, and i forgave him, tho i never knew the full details. The trust was never got back and i always doubted him. We are now finished. Then when my last ex cheated on me, (nb i have been out with some dickheads) i was so devastated, still am smarting, i did ask for him back, but it would never have worked. And subconsciously i think that (and this is pritty sick i think) would have lulled him into a false sense of security and then fucked someone to pay him back....

So the answer from me is, no, its ruined something pure, the trust can never be rebuilt and the person who was cheated on will always be damaged.
Posted: Tuesday, July 16, 2013 7:06:14 PM

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Joined: 4/13/2012
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I was in a 4+ year relationship with a girl I thought I'd marry and spend the rest of my life with. Shortening it all (despite the fact I could write a book or three about the relationship), she cheated. I took every gift she ever gave me and sent them off to her parents' house. In addition, I also gave her parents a couple packs of unused condoms and told her dad to keep his filthy slut-cunt of a daughter in check, and maybe she'd "use these" (obviously the condoms) pretty soon. Suffice to say, I never liked her parents, and preceding what she did to me, they had never liked me, and after that little 'incident', they certainly didn't care for me. In the end, I was glad to not have to call her dad a father-in-law for the simple fact that he was nothing more than a pseudo-politician and an adulterer that was so prideful about being a hasbeen Marine yet didn't have the testicular fortitude to be loyal to his psychotic bitch of a wife. Ah, getting off of this tangent and moving on, though, so I digress.

I give 110% effort into everything that I do. Whatever endeavor it is, I aspire to be the best. When it comes to relationships, whether platonic or intimate/romantic, I'm the most loyal human being out there as a friend or a lover. The same effort is given in said relationships. Positive facts about yours truly.

On the flipside, I'm an extremely merciless person in that I hold grudges and, with screw-overs/fuck-overs like this, I have a tough time giving anybody second chances. The grudge part is a huge flaw that I've been working on for a while. I've always said, "Hey, I hold grudges so that I can think of that person as I chase success and become better than they will ever be!" as some sort of validation to say that I sublimate my anger for an individual into positive pursuits and energy, but that only holds up for so long. It's difficult to sleep or think straight when you hold grudges. I realize this massive flaw, but that's still a factor.

Trust after a cheater cheats? It will never be regained. There will always be doubt there.

Y'know, after "she" cheated, she acted like everything was all good in the hood. That pissed me off that much more. For about two months straight (no contact) following all the bullshit that occurred I thought about 'forgiving her'. In the end, I decided against the forgiveness or anything related to that, because she didn't feel one ounce of contrition. She didn't give a fuck. I was angry and pissed off at the world. I'd been into MMA and boxing for about a year at that point, and I'm so damn glad I was (I'm not sure how I'd be today if I weren't), because sublimating all of that anger and energy into hard work and physical labor involving stimulus of muscle fibers paid off in relieving stress.

Eight months after she cheated, she sent me a big, long email 'explaining' things. I instantly deleted it. "Dumb bitch, fuck off" was my mentality, and justifiably so. She'd fucked me over without a bit of remorse, didn't even explain why and as a result there was not one bit of closure. I wasn't happy about the lack of closure, but I didn't want to talk to someone that didn't deserve my goddamn time. I'm a prideful and extremely confident man -- I didn't need another wound implicated.

About a week after I completely ignored her first email (and she sent more) and social media messages, I encountered her in person. She expressed regret, but I didn't give a shit. The lasting pain she inflicted on me wasn't worth forgiving her. She didn't deserve it. And I never forgave her. Y'know, I've sat down quite a bit over the last three years and thought about all the bullshit that happened, and I think, once in a blue moon when I'm in the mood to reminisce over the past, if I should have just buried the hatchet, and y'know what? A few minutes later, I always remember all the negative and bad things about her, her flaws, what she did to me, how she didn't give a fuck for almost a year, etc. etc. and then I no longer have the desire to bury the hatchet with her.

Holding grudges is an unhealthy thing to do, but I never said I'm a healthy person in that regard. Fuck me over once... shame on you. Fuck me over twice... TWICE? LOL! You stupid bitch, you won't get the opportunity to do it again! When it comes to relationships, in my personal opinion, second chances are overrated. An asshole thing to say/do/believe in? That's a subjective belief. "She" fucked things up with the greatest person she's ever met or will ever meet, and that's on her.

Trust is something I hold dearly valuable. Fuck it all up once, and there's not a screamin' demon's chance in hell you'll ever get it back because skepticalness will reign supreme and rule the day.

How can someone learn a lesson or accept a mistake without being forced to reap the meritable, justifiable repercussions of their actions of pure, unbridled dumbfuckery?

One of my favorite all-time sayings in the world: "Dumbshits gonna do dumb shit".

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
Posted: Tuesday, July 16, 2013 9:00:06 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Personally, for me, trust is gone and it's not easy to give it again after something like that happens. A lot of that is because it takes me a long time to trust someone to begin with, so I feel like if you screw me over, why should I try to rebuild that trust?

I dated someone for over a year and I thought we were going to be together for a long time to come. We talked about marriage and kids, the whole nine yards, but then he told me a little over a year into our relationship that he had been cheating on me with my (ex) best friend for four-five months.

When I spent three-four months building up that trust with him, then he spent the next four-five cheating on me, I don't think that's worth me freely giving trust again.

Obviously, I'm not calling myself a saint...I've hurt other people, though it's never been by means of cheating or infidelity, and I know what it's like to lose someone's trust. It sucks. I try to always be honest with people and expect the same thing in return.

As everyone else has pointed out, though, all people are different. It's up to you to make your own judgments and determine whether or not someone is worth trusting again. It's just been my general experience that trusting someone again and giving second chances after they've screwed you over before is only opening yourself up to the greater possibility of being screwed over again in an even worse manner. And who wants to go through that?
Posted: Wednesday, July 31, 2013 7:23:48 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Don't think it ever happens no matter how much the other person wants it to.
Posted: Wednesday, July 31, 2013 8:00:57 PM

Rank: Cheeky Chick

Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 6,495
Magical_felix wrote:
Someone who cheats on you will always cheat on you one way or another. You may think they have changed and they are very hurt over letting you down blah blah blah but people who cheat don't mess up or slip up, it is just the way they are. You are cheating yourself by trusting a cheater.

I'm not even going to bother to post my own thoughts, because this is exactly it! Wise words, Felix.

Posted: Thursday, August 1, 2013 5:04:07 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/31/2013
Posts: 4
Location: London, U.K.
Most people can handle some dishonesty. But how much?

I'm always a bit cautious of attitudes that are too 'black and white'. In real life, everything is some shade of grey. Moral absolutes? I don't think so!
Posted: Wednesday, August 7, 2013 5:35:41 AM

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Joined: 5/6/2008
Posts: 202
Location: islamabad, pakistan
you may keep going, but its just ego, what will people say, what if .... nothing is left

if, 'to be or not to be' is the question - then how is E=MC^2?
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2013 5:43:02 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
it does depend on the couple but I would think once the trust is broken it will never be fixed
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2013 7:56:10 AM

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Joined: 1/11/2012
Posts: 295
Location: Canada
there will always be that nagging question when anything happens outside the norm.....ohhhhh he or she is home late...i wonder where they are...what are they doing.
Posted: Monday, September 23, 2013 4:46:44 PM

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Joined: 9/22/2013
Posts: 29
Location: United States
Both were caught cheating?
Why don't they just become swingers or start an open marriage?
Posted: Monday, September 23, 2013 4:53:13 PM

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Joined: 1/24/2013
Posts: 2,826
There are reasons for affairs. The trust issue started before the affairs. Try communication.
Posted: Monday, September 23, 2013 5:21:48 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 925,323
Milly wrote:
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.

Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.

I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".

I agree. As cliche as this may sound 'once a cheater always a cheater'.
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